Ugh. Nervous

Why am I nervous. Waiting for a date I haven't met before, and I've done this a thousand times. Just not in the past couple of months. I've been dating people I know for the past couple of months, and I've forgotten what this feels like.

So, what does it feel like? Like the first day of school. Nerve wracking, exciting, full of possibilities, not all of them pleasant. The chance of this being the one time you're incapable of carrying on a pleasant conversation with a stranger. This being the (admittedly not first) time you're not attracted to this person, or worse, they're not attracted to you. The chance that they're actually the serial killer taxi driver you dreamt about last night...

I've never really not enjoyed a date. I can enjoy a date that most people are desperate to escape from, because I don't go into it with the expectation that it will be amazing, that I will find THE ONE (There can be only one, McCloud). I go into it with the expectation that I will flirt, that they will flirt back, that I'll learn something new from this person, even if it's just learning how people on the other side live. Conversation is interesting, no matter what. Even when it's just interesting because I'm so bored I'm creating scenarios in my head that involve death and murder and mayhem.
I need to remind myself of this. I need to want this again. It's dangerous to let it go, because it's so easy to fall into the mindset of "it's too hard". (heh... hehehe). It's too easy to fall away from the fascination with other people, from the joy in growth I find in dating. At heart, I'm a hermit.

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