I went on a date on Friday night that got me thinking about the (seeming) correlation between height and morality. It's a fascinating thought process to me, trying to dig into the physical aspects of what makes people act the way they do. And a pretty consistent variable I've noticed is that the taller a guy is, the more... morally flexible he is.
It sounds horrible. I'm not saying that tall guys are sociopaths, or that all tall guys are morally bankrupt, or even morally compromised.
But certain factors just keep popping up for me, and I'm trying to figure them out. So, this guy the other night was 6'5. A tall, slender, very handsome Caucasian male, successful business man, well traveled, cultured, and relatively wealthy.
We met when I put an extremely quirky ad on CL, on a complete whim, composed entirely of Tom Waits lyrics. He responded with a lyric riddled email, and we were off.
In his initial emails, he was very open about the fact that he was recently separated from his wife, not yet divorced. He asked me if that was an issue for me, and I responded by saying it was a context specific issue for me, and asked him to go into more detail about their circumstances. He continued to be very open, very honest about their situation. And it seemed to me that it was a failed marriage where both parties were aware of what was happening and I had no problem going on a date with him.
So, we met at a relatively swanky bar/music venue, The Doug Fir, for a cocktail before going to see a show that was playing as part of MFNW.
But we never made it to the music. We sat up at the bar for almost 5 hours, nursing a couple cocktails and talking. He was an excellent conversationalist. Capable of both asking questions and answering them, emotive and expressive... just, great to talk to. Even in a crowded, loud bar we were able to create a bubble of intimacy that made talking easy. And he was totally in to me. Very verbally appreciative, body language almost acquisitive, and progressively touchy feely without ever crossing the line into aggressive. I found myself more and more excited to be talking to this person. I wasn't hearing as much what he was saying as I was appreciating his physical presence. Looming over me, even in his chair, intense eye contact, huge hands constantly lightly touching me... it was mesmerizing.
And that's when I started to step back from the situation and analyze how I was reacting, and really listening to what he was saying. Because I realized that all the things he was doing are things that I do when I'm working someone. I haven't met many people who have the same mannerisms I do when dealing with strangers who I want to make comfortable, or who I want to get to know very well in a short period of time. I tend to create a strong bubble of intimacy, without actually meaning to, by doing exactly what this guy was doing to me. Constant eye contact, unhesitating conversation about myself combined with aggressive question asking, and the physical presence. Close, leaning in, arms wide open and center of body exposed, constant light touching... When I first started seriously dating, this intimacy bubble had a major backlash for me. Since I didn't realize what I was doing, I created incredibly strong connections with people who I had no desire to have a connection with. And then had to pop that connection, oftentimes with very hurtful results. People aren't used to having that intimacy so quickly, especially the sort of people I was most drawn to, and taking it away with no explanation or warning was very cruel. So, I learned to control it, and these days I limit the levels of intimacy I create.
But this guy... he knew exactly what he was doing. He'd honed it to a fine art. And there is nothing wrong with that. Intimacy in this situation was perfectly appropriate, and I quite enjoyed it. But I also found myself agreeing to things I wouldn't have agreed to otherwise. We talked about his relationship a bit, and more and more started coming out. Turns out, they weren't technically separated, but had talked about taking time away from each other to figure things out. Then he told me that he'd had a 3 year affair before this, with a woman he'd fallen in love with. And that his wife had found out, in a very dramatic, ugly way. That the breakup of the affair had been ugly. That he'd gone to counselling for years after, and learned so much about himself. That I was the first person he'd gone out with since that time, since telling his wife he wanted some time away. That he'd just been perusing Craigslist to get a feel for what he was in for WHEN they divorced, but my ad just hit him so hard he had to respond.
All of this, coming from a different person, would have set off every single alarm I have. I despise lying, especially in this context, where it's based on nothing more than getting what you want out of a situation. I despise the idea that it's easier to hurt someone you love by cheating on them than by breaking up with them. I despise the kind of moral weakness that blames everyone else for everything that happens to you. And one of the reasons I have never been overly attracted to "hot" people is because I do not respect the idea that you don't ever have to work too hard for what you want. And all too often conventionally attractive folks have been given too much for too little effort.
What struck me most about this guy, when I pulled myself back from his physical presence enough to notice, was his absolute assurance that he deserved to get everything he wanted. That he had done nothing wrong. Even when he was SAYING that he felt horrible for hurting his wife, he was completely downplaying the fact that he was grooming me for another affair. He had no real idea that what he was doing was wrong, because he wanted it. And he was used to getting what he wanted.
And THAT'S when I started to think about the correlation between height and this kind of behavior. It's happened at least 3 times for me. 3 men I've "dated", for a given definition of that term, who've been exactly like this. And all of them over 6'4.
That's a tiny little subset to base an opinion on, I know. But I got to thinking about this study I recently read, talking about how 30% of CEOs are over 6'2. Which is insane, because only 3% of the actual population is that tall. And what kind of behavior lends itself to being the CEO of a large corporation? The absolute conviction that you are right. And what kind of behavior lends itself to corporations acting like total fucking sociopaths and stomping all over the environment, our freedom, and anything that doesn't directly benefit the bottom line? The absolute conviction that you are right. That you deserve to have this, whatever this is. The ability to convince yourself that this is ok, because it's what you want. And the ability to not see the consequences to others, because this is what you want.
That is, to a certain extent, sociopathic behavior. I don't actually think most of these people are sociopaths. But I do think they've been taught from a very young age that the world is going to give them what they want, because they want it. And the repercussions to others will go away, because they don't want to see them.
I'm hyper-generalizing, and I know it. This idea isn't set in stone by any means. I'm just analyzing this info as it comes to me, trying to figure out where this attraction to morally weak men comes from on my own part. But I DO see a connection between my small experience base and that of the rest of the world.
This guy the other night, he thought of himself as basically a very good human being. He felt guilty about his wrongdoing, and that made him good. The fact that he didn't stop, because he didn't want to stop, didn't factor in to his self image. He was just doing what felt right, and even knowing that it WAS wrong, didn't mean as much as getting what he wanted. I guess plenty of people in this world are like that. But for the small (heh) group I'm talking about, it's different. Because it's not necessarily something inside themselves driving it. It's the rest of the world telling them, for most of their lives, that it's true. That they deserve what they want because they are the pinnacle of what humans consider to be evolutionarily viable.
It sounds horrible. I'm not saying that tall guys are sociopaths, or that all tall guys are morally bankrupt, or even morally compromised.
But certain factors just keep popping up for me, and I'm trying to figure them out. So, this guy the other night was 6'5. A tall, slender, very handsome Caucasian male, successful business man, well traveled, cultured, and relatively wealthy.
We met when I put an extremely quirky ad on CL, on a complete whim, composed entirely of Tom Waits lyrics. He responded with a lyric riddled email, and we were off.
In his initial emails, he was very open about the fact that he was recently separated from his wife, not yet divorced. He asked me if that was an issue for me, and I responded by saying it was a context specific issue for me, and asked him to go into more detail about their circumstances. He continued to be very open, very honest about their situation. And it seemed to me that it was a failed marriage where both parties were aware of what was happening and I had no problem going on a date with him.
So, we met at a relatively swanky bar/music venue, The Doug Fir, for a cocktail before going to see a show that was playing as part of MFNW.
But we never made it to the music. We sat up at the bar for almost 5 hours, nursing a couple cocktails and talking. He was an excellent conversationalist. Capable of both asking questions and answering them, emotive and expressive... just, great to talk to. Even in a crowded, loud bar we were able to create a bubble of intimacy that made talking easy. And he was totally in to me. Very verbally appreciative, body language almost acquisitive, and progressively touchy feely without ever crossing the line into aggressive. I found myself more and more excited to be talking to this person. I wasn't hearing as much what he was saying as I was appreciating his physical presence. Looming over me, even in his chair, intense eye contact, huge hands constantly lightly touching me... it was mesmerizing.
And that's when I started to step back from the situation and analyze how I was reacting, and really listening to what he was saying. Because I realized that all the things he was doing are things that I do when I'm working someone. I haven't met many people who have the same mannerisms I do when dealing with strangers who I want to make comfortable, or who I want to get to know very well in a short period of time. I tend to create a strong bubble of intimacy, without actually meaning to, by doing exactly what this guy was doing to me. Constant eye contact, unhesitating conversation about myself combined with aggressive question asking, and the physical presence. Close, leaning in, arms wide open and center of body exposed, constant light touching... When I first started seriously dating, this intimacy bubble had a major backlash for me. Since I didn't realize what I was doing, I created incredibly strong connections with people who I had no desire to have a connection with. And then had to pop that connection, oftentimes with very hurtful results. People aren't used to having that intimacy so quickly, especially the sort of people I was most drawn to, and taking it away with no explanation or warning was very cruel. So, I learned to control it, and these days I limit the levels of intimacy I create.
But this guy... he knew exactly what he was doing. He'd honed it to a fine art. And there is nothing wrong with that. Intimacy in this situation was perfectly appropriate, and I quite enjoyed it. But I also found myself agreeing to things I wouldn't have agreed to otherwise. We talked about his relationship a bit, and more and more started coming out. Turns out, they weren't technically separated, but had talked about taking time away from each other to figure things out. Then he told me that he'd had a 3 year affair before this, with a woman he'd fallen in love with. And that his wife had found out, in a very dramatic, ugly way. That the breakup of the affair had been ugly. That he'd gone to counselling for years after, and learned so much about himself. That I was the first person he'd gone out with since that time, since telling his wife he wanted some time away. That he'd just been perusing Craigslist to get a feel for what he was in for WHEN they divorced, but my ad just hit him so hard he had to respond.
All of this, coming from a different person, would have set off every single alarm I have. I despise lying, especially in this context, where it's based on nothing more than getting what you want out of a situation. I despise the idea that it's easier to hurt someone you love by cheating on them than by breaking up with them. I despise the kind of moral weakness that blames everyone else for everything that happens to you. And one of the reasons I have never been overly attracted to "hot" people is because I do not respect the idea that you don't ever have to work too hard for what you want. And all too often conventionally attractive folks have been given too much for too little effort.
What struck me most about this guy, when I pulled myself back from his physical presence enough to notice, was his absolute assurance that he deserved to get everything he wanted. That he had done nothing wrong. Even when he was SAYING that he felt horrible for hurting his wife, he was completely downplaying the fact that he was grooming me for another affair. He had no real idea that what he was doing was wrong, because he wanted it. And he was used to getting what he wanted.
And THAT'S when I started to think about the correlation between height and this kind of behavior. It's happened at least 3 times for me. 3 men I've "dated", for a given definition of that term, who've been exactly like this. And all of them over 6'4.
That's a tiny little subset to base an opinion on, I know. But I got to thinking about this study I recently read, talking about how 30% of CEOs are over 6'2. Which is insane, because only 3% of the actual population is that tall. And what kind of behavior lends itself to being the CEO of a large corporation? The absolute conviction that you are right. And what kind of behavior lends itself to corporations acting like total fucking sociopaths and stomping all over the environment, our freedom, and anything that doesn't directly benefit the bottom line? The absolute conviction that you are right. That you deserve to have this, whatever this is. The ability to convince yourself that this is ok, because it's what you want. And the ability to not see the consequences to others, because this is what you want.
That is, to a certain extent, sociopathic behavior. I don't actually think most of these people are sociopaths. But I do think they've been taught from a very young age that the world is going to give them what they want, because they want it. And the repercussions to others will go away, because they don't want to see them.
I'm hyper-generalizing, and I know it. This idea isn't set in stone by any means. I'm just analyzing this info as it comes to me, trying to figure out where this attraction to morally weak men comes from on my own part. But I DO see a connection between my small experience base and that of the rest of the world.
This guy the other night, he thought of himself as basically a very good human being. He felt guilty about his wrongdoing, and that made him good. The fact that he didn't stop, because he didn't want to stop, didn't factor in to his self image. He was just doing what felt right, and even knowing that it WAS wrong, didn't mean as much as getting what he wanted. I guess plenty of people in this world are like that. But for the small (heh) group I'm talking about, it's different. Because it's not necessarily something inside themselves driving it. It's the rest of the world telling them, for most of their lives, that it's true. That they deserve what they want because they are the pinnacle of what humans consider to be evolutionarily viable.
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