Every now and then I start dreaming about becoming a foster parent.
It's a weird thing for me to dream about. I'm not super IRRESPONSIBLE, but I'm not the most responsible person in the world, either. And I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, making the right decisions for myself. What would I do with kids? I'm also not the most selfish person in the world, but I AM selfish. I love getting things my own way, I love peace, and I love comfort. Being a foster parent would be pretty much antithetical to those things I love.
But yeah. I think about providing a home for a sibling group. It's incredibly difficult to find homes that will take larger groups of siblings together. And I can't imagine what it would feel like to have that entire structure ripped out from under a child who's already experiencing something awful.
I think a big part of me dreaming about this is the idea of a ready made family. Which is fucked up. But I lost my family (for a given definition of lost. I lost the closeness I grew up with, and will never get it back with them barring a lobotomy on my part that allows me to believe what they believe.), and I understand the strength a family structure gives one. I crave it for myself, and am unwilling to settle for a pallid substitute.
And I like kids. They're little vectors of potential and creativity. I haven't ever really craved a child of my own, but I do like them.
I'd be kind of an amazing mom. I'd be an asshole mom, too. I'd be bossy, and a grammar nazi, and I'd be totally paranoid about how vulnerable kids are. I'd be impatient, and I'd get angry and be afraid of letting it show, so I'd be distant.
But I'd also be aware, and open minded, and loving. I'd want to give them strength, to deal with a reality that few ever see, and I think I could do that. If not, I'd find them something or someone who could.
I think about renting a big house in the country, and making breakfast for a passel of kids, and helping with homework, and providing sanctuary to those who need it most. I think about having to let go, and I think I could do it. I think about not letting go, and I think I could do that too.
The fact that this scenario calls to a large part of me tells me that I am not creating what I need in my world. I am unfulfilled in my need to create structure for those who need it, to provide love to those who want it. I haven't focused on the part of me that needs to give, because I've been so focused on the part of me that needed to learn how to take. Not to over-intellectualize something that makes me feel vulnerable, but I should recognize my need to mother and get it out in the open. And stop whetting it with grown men who can take care of themselves.
It's a weird thing for me to dream about. I'm not super IRRESPONSIBLE, but I'm not the most responsible person in the world, either. And I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, making the right decisions for myself. What would I do with kids? I'm also not the most selfish person in the world, but I AM selfish. I love getting things my own way, I love peace, and I love comfort. Being a foster parent would be pretty much antithetical to those things I love.
But yeah. I think about providing a home for a sibling group. It's incredibly difficult to find homes that will take larger groups of siblings together. And I can't imagine what it would feel like to have that entire structure ripped out from under a child who's already experiencing something awful.
I think a big part of me dreaming about this is the idea of a ready made family. Which is fucked up. But I lost my family (for a given definition of lost. I lost the closeness I grew up with, and will never get it back with them barring a lobotomy on my part that allows me to believe what they believe.), and I understand the strength a family structure gives one. I crave it for myself, and am unwilling to settle for a pallid substitute.
And I like kids. They're little vectors of potential and creativity. I haven't ever really craved a child of my own, but I do like them.
I'd be kind of an amazing mom. I'd be an asshole mom, too. I'd be bossy, and a grammar nazi, and I'd be totally paranoid about how vulnerable kids are. I'd be impatient, and I'd get angry and be afraid of letting it show, so I'd be distant.
But I'd also be aware, and open minded, and loving. I'd want to give them strength, to deal with a reality that few ever see, and I think I could do that. If not, I'd find them something or someone who could.
I think about renting a big house in the country, and making breakfast for a passel of kids, and helping with homework, and providing sanctuary to those who need it most. I think about having to let go, and I think I could do it. I think about not letting go, and I think I could do that too.
The fact that this scenario calls to a large part of me tells me that I am not creating what I need in my world. I am unfulfilled in my need to create structure for those who need it, to provide love to those who want it. I haven't focused on the part of me that needs to give, because I've been so focused on the part of me that needed to learn how to take. Not to over-intellectualize something that makes me feel vulnerable, but I should recognize my need to mother and get it out in the open. And stop whetting it with grown men who can take care of themselves.
Comments
Post a Comment