I will climb a goddamn tree if it fucking kills me
I decided that I didn't want to be alone anymore yesterday, so I put an ad up on Craigslist looking for someone to eat sushi and watch Star Wars with. It was a good ad. And I got some great responses.
But I woke up at 5:30 this morning, depressed and uncomfortable, thinking about those responses. Thinking about my reaction to emails from men, how I felt compelled to become a different person for each email, responding how I thought they would themselves respond best to. It was a conscious decision, to not be myself, and it felt kind of great. Because it felt like putting on an old suit that you didn't think would fit you anymore but still does and still makes your ass look great. But then you stand there for a while in front of the mirror, looking at yourself in this old outfit, and you remember everything that happened to you in this outfit. You remember why it was so important that your ass look great, because there was certainly nothing else about life that was making you feel good when you wore this outfit.
That's what those emails felt like. A pacifier that I no longer want or need, a connection to a way of being that should stay in the past.
So. I still don't want to be alone right now. And I'm still very used to relying on men and sex to fulfill my social needs, with a few close female friends thrown in to mix things up. But that's not what I want anymore. I still want sex, I think. I hope. Oh god, I hope. Stupid body. No, I take it back. Sweet body. Stupid mind.
You know what I really want? I want to setup a rope in a tree. And I want to reconnect with my body, I want to climb and twirl and feel weightless again. I want to swing.
There are all these "But first"s swirling around in my head when I think that. But first I have to get skinny. But first I have to get fit. But first I have... do something that is out of my reach and therefore comfortingly impossible so I might as well not try.
But first, I have to love myself as I am. But first, I have to remember how much I love my own power, my own physical strength and dexterity. But first, I have to be ok with small steps. But first, I have to be patient, not require everything to happen at once or give up completely. But first, I have to acquire some goddamn discipline.
So, first, I will climb a tree. Lord knows there are enough of them around me on this farm. I'll climb a stump if I have to. And hope not to piss off the dryad that inhabits it.
But I woke up at 5:30 this morning, depressed and uncomfortable, thinking about those responses. Thinking about my reaction to emails from men, how I felt compelled to become a different person for each email, responding how I thought they would themselves respond best to. It was a conscious decision, to not be myself, and it felt kind of great. Because it felt like putting on an old suit that you didn't think would fit you anymore but still does and still makes your ass look great. But then you stand there for a while in front of the mirror, looking at yourself in this old outfit, and you remember everything that happened to you in this outfit. You remember why it was so important that your ass look great, because there was certainly nothing else about life that was making you feel good when you wore this outfit.
That's what those emails felt like. A pacifier that I no longer want or need, a connection to a way of being that should stay in the past.
So. I still don't want to be alone right now. And I'm still very used to relying on men and sex to fulfill my social needs, with a few close female friends thrown in to mix things up. But that's not what I want anymore. I still want sex, I think. I hope. Oh god, I hope. Stupid body. No, I take it back. Sweet body. Stupid mind.
You know what I really want? I want to setup a rope in a tree. And I want to reconnect with my body, I want to climb and twirl and feel weightless again. I want to swing.
There are all these "But first"s swirling around in my head when I think that. But first I have to get skinny. But first I have to get fit. But first I have... do something that is out of my reach and therefore comfortingly impossible so I might as well not try.
But first, I have to love myself as I am. But first, I have to remember how much I love my own power, my own physical strength and dexterity. But first, I have to be ok with small steps. But first, I have to be patient, not require everything to happen at once or give up completely. But first, I have to acquire some goddamn discipline.
So, first, I will climb a tree. Lord knows there are enough of them around me on this farm. I'll climb a stump if I have to. And hope not to piss off the dryad that inhabits it.
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