Deliberation
I had an epiphany of sorts yesterday afternoon, while washing my hair in the shower (as one does...). I was thinking about deliberate action, and responsibility. And realizing that, every time I started thinking of myself as taking deliberate action, I was getting anxious. Very anxious. Like, brewing panic attack anxious. I thought about how weird that was, because I have taken many deliberate steps over the years. Especially recently. Within the past 3 years of my life, I have taken more deliberate, gigantic, purposeful steps off cliffs than in my entire life.
But in thinking that thought, I realized that I don't think of MYSELF having taken those steps. I think of HER. That part of my subconscious that sets things up for me so I can gently and calmly just walk into seemingly random opportunities and simply take advantage of them. I rely on her, that strong and capable part of me, to subvert the status quo, to manipulate and scheme and control, so that I can move on to somewhere else. I have felt, for a very long time, that without her I would never have gone anywhere.
She's a very old defense mechanism. I created her (acknowledged her?) I was trying to leave behind a life that encased me like heavy taffy. I didn't believe I could take deliberate action, acknowledged and aware action, and so I segmented my subconscious and I allowed a daemon to quietly and efficiently work in the back of my processing centers. She helped craft opportunities through constant and deliberate searching, and I lived my life as though nothing eventful were percolating. It worked for me, kept me sane and free of fear (mostly), while I contemplated suicide if I couldn't start being "true" to myself. I could contemplate death without fear because I had my escape mechanism in place, just waiting for the right time to reveal the right path to take.
I am grateful to my brains ability to segment like that. Any brain has the ability to craft walls around terrible things, to quarantine the unthinkable things we've experienced in order to allow us to function in the challenging social world we live in.
Thing is, those bubbles don't exist in a vacuum. They exist within a brain that is constantly shifting, an oceans worth of electrical currents susurrating within the tiny bone and meat structure of our heads. Every time a current of thought runs across and over one of those stagnant bubbles, it creates ripples that run through every fiber of your being. Ripples create chaos, create dissonant feedback loops that fuck with the gentle rhythm of your life.
The daemon I created to help run my life did her job so well, and has worked for so long, that I've grown to rely on her for too much. Far too much. She exists within a stagnant bubble, and I can blame and give credit without really thinking too much about anything.
But there are things in my life that I need to be aware of. That I need to be taking deliberate, controlled action on. I can't be relying on an avatar of aspects of myself to do what needs doing. Not anymore. I need to open that wall and let my mind integrate those functions within every part of me.
But in thinking that thought, I realized that I don't think of MYSELF having taken those steps. I think of HER. That part of my subconscious that sets things up for me so I can gently and calmly just walk into seemingly random opportunities and simply take advantage of them. I rely on her, that strong and capable part of me, to subvert the status quo, to manipulate and scheme and control, so that I can move on to somewhere else. I have felt, for a very long time, that without her I would never have gone anywhere.
She's a very old defense mechanism. I created her (acknowledged her?) I was trying to leave behind a life that encased me like heavy taffy. I didn't believe I could take deliberate action, acknowledged and aware action, and so I segmented my subconscious and I allowed a daemon to quietly and efficiently work in the back of my processing centers. She helped craft opportunities through constant and deliberate searching, and I lived my life as though nothing eventful were percolating. It worked for me, kept me sane and free of fear (mostly), while I contemplated suicide if I couldn't start being "true" to myself. I could contemplate death without fear because I had my escape mechanism in place, just waiting for the right time to reveal the right path to take.
I am grateful to my brains ability to segment like that. Any brain has the ability to craft walls around terrible things, to quarantine the unthinkable things we've experienced in order to allow us to function in the challenging social world we live in.
Thing is, those bubbles don't exist in a vacuum. They exist within a brain that is constantly shifting, an oceans worth of electrical currents susurrating within the tiny bone and meat structure of our heads. Every time a current of thought runs across and over one of those stagnant bubbles, it creates ripples that run through every fiber of your being. Ripples create chaos, create dissonant feedback loops that fuck with the gentle rhythm of your life.
The daemon I created to help run my life did her job so well, and has worked for so long, that I've grown to rely on her for too much. Far too much. She exists within a stagnant bubble, and I can blame and give credit without really thinking too much about anything.
But there are things in my life that I need to be aware of. That I need to be taking deliberate, controlled action on. I can't be relying on an avatar of aspects of myself to do what needs doing. Not anymore. I need to open that wall and let my mind integrate those functions within every part of me.
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