What would I be thinking about if I weren't thinking about this bullshit drama I have in my life?
I'd be thinking about projects that I want to do. I'd be daydreaming about seeds I want to buy. I'd be wondering why I'm seemingly incapable of writing a book. I'd be wondering when I'm going to want someone to share my life. I'd be thinking about how much I would love to get done today, this gorgeously sunny and spritely cold fall day. I'd be wondering how much I was actually going to accomplish, and cautioning myself not to take on too much so that I don't get mad at myself at night. I'd be daydreaming about how I wanted to make the porch more beautiful yet practical. I'd be imagining becoming an old herb woman, surrounded by scents and knowledge and plants. I'd be thinking about my job, a little sadly, a little proud. I'd be contemplating calling my mother, just to chat. I'd be feeling guilty for not really wanting to call anyone just to chat.
Instead, I am devoting time and energy to a problem that seemingly has no real solution, because it involves other peoples problems. I am on the defensive about my home space again, because it is shared by someone who wants to take it away from me and keep it for themselves. I am also a someone who wants to take it away from someone and keep it for myself.
What a fucking conundrum was created when she told us she wanted to sell us the place. What a fucking gaping hole was set to ambush me when I said I wouldn't want to buy it, and that I would let them have it.
Now I can't tell if I love the place because I love it, or because I can not lose it. I don't know if I want to stay here, or if I don't want to be pushed away. I DO know that I am fighting because I hate entitlement. I hate the assumption of a right to something that does not belong to you. I hate self centered reasoning that allows for the worst kind of behavior in response to any sort of threat to ones happiness.
And I know that I am guilty of all of the above as well. I know that I make of myself a martyr, the worst kind of self centered bullshit there is. I know that I say the words and live the life that allows others to treat me like shit. I assume a right to beauty, but don't want to work to create that beauty, something that infuriates me when I see it in others. I react defensively when threatened, and my defenses are fucking scary good. I want to win. At all cost. I want to be in charge of my own life, but I allow others too much authority over me and react in fury when it's exercised.
I know my own bullshit. I taste it everyday, contemplate it, yell at it. I know others bullshit. I see below their surface and am frightened at how dark shit gets in the midst of contention.
I do not know what I want. I have been slowly learning what I do not want, throughout my life. This leads to problems when what I temporarily want suddenly becomes an incredibly toxic do not want. And it often does. I know that this is because I carry the seeds of toxin with me everywhere I go. I sow them with the roots I tentatively put down, and they poison me every time. So I pull my roots and run away from the poison, feeling free in the running but burdened by those god damn seeds. I feel like maybe I shed a few seeds with every act of running away, but I'm not sure. Maybe it just takes longer for the toxin to spread these days, maybe the roots I'm putting down are deeper and have better defenses. But the toxin always wins, always ends up seeping in far enough to ruin the potential for happiness. Now, as I say that, I recognize that I create potential for happiness that has a shallow, shallow draft. I create this potential without a firm foundation in reality, which means of course it's easily ruined. I create bogus scenarios and situations that aren't long term workable, so of course they fall apart.
I'd be thinking about projects that I want to do. I'd be daydreaming about seeds I want to buy. I'd be wondering why I'm seemingly incapable of writing a book. I'd be wondering when I'm going to want someone to share my life. I'd be thinking about how much I would love to get done today, this gorgeously sunny and spritely cold fall day. I'd be wondering how much I was actually going to accomplish, and cautioning myself not to take on too much so that I don't get mad at myself at night. I'd be daydreaming about how I wanted to make the porch more beautiful yet practical. I'd be imagining becoming an old herb woman, surrounded by scents and knowledge and plants. I'd be thinking about my job, a little sadly, a little proud. I'd be contemplating calling my mother, just to chat. I'd be feeling guilty for not really wanting to call anyone just to chat.
Instead, I am devoting time and energy to a problem that seemingly has no real solution, because it involves other peoples problems. I am on the defensive about my home space again, because it is shared by someone who wants to take it away from me and keep it for themselves. I am also a someone who wants to take it away from someone and keep it for myself.
What a fucking conundrum was created when she told us she wanted to sell us the place. What a fucking gaping hole was set to ambush me when I said I wouldn't want to buy it, and that I would let them have it.
Now I can't tell if I love the place because I love it, or because I can not lose it. I don't know if I want to stay here, or if I don't want to be pushed away. I DO know that I am fighting because I hate entitlement. I hate the assumption of a right to something that does not belong to you. I hate self centered reasoning that allows for the worst kind of behavior in response to any sort of threat to ones happiness.
And I know that I am guilty of all of the above as well. I know that I make of myself a martyr, the worst kind of self centered bullshit there is. I know that I say the words and live the life that allows others to treat me like shit. I assume a right to beauty, but don't want to work to create that beauty, something that infuriates me when I see it in others. I react defensively when threatened, and my defenses are fucking scary good. I want to win. At all cost. I want to be in charge of my own life, but I allow others too much authority over me and react in fury when it's exercised.
I know my own bullshit. I taste it everyday, contemplate it, yell at it. I know others bullshit. I see below their surface and am frightened at how dark shit gets in the midst of contention.
I do not know what I want. I have been slowly learning what I do not want, throughout my life. This leads to problems when what I temporarily want suddenly becomes an incredibly toxic do not want. And it often does. I know that this is because I carry the seeds of toxin with me everywhere I go. I sow them with the roots I tentatively put down, and they poison me every time. So I pull my roots and run away from the poison, feeling free in the running but burdened by those god damn seeds. I feel like maybe I shed a few seeds with every act of running away, but I'm not sure. Maybe it just takes longer for the toxin to spread these days, maybe the roots I'm putting down are deeper and have better defenses. But the toxin always wins, always ends up seeping in far enough to ruin the potential for happiness. Now, as I say that, I recognize that I create potential for happiness that has a shallow, shallow draft. I create this potential without a firm foundation in reality, which means of course it's easily ruined. I create bogus scenarios and situations that aren't long term workable, so of course they fall apart.
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