Another one...

Because it popped into my head, and I had to say it before I got too cowardly or too ADD to let it out...

Do you know what the worst thing about being fucked up and KNOWING it is? The fact that you can realize exactly what you're doing and why, but you can't fucking seem to change it. 

I know exactly why I run away from intimacy. I remember that feeling in my gut as I was driving away from my parents house when I was 22, that sense of absolute panic, of impending death, the knowledge that I was TRULY leaving them and they had no idea... and I know why I'll never be willing to be that close to people again. I remember curling up in a corner of a dark room in a gigantic, empty old house, that feeling of overwhelmed anger, humiliation, and fear... And I know why I'll never willingly have a home again. My brain now believes that it gets taken away too easily, and it's not willing to deal with that level of trauma again.

The truly sucky thing is, I want a home. I want a family. I want friends I can truly be intimate with, not friends I can up and leave at a moments notice without severe trauma on my part. And I know why I don't allow myself to have them. I know that when I feel, I feel too deeply. That I have no true sense of balance, because when I love it's supposed to be forever. But my maudlin, angsty, emo teenage subconscious whispers in a voice meant to convey black coffee and cigarettes "Nothing is forever, little one. Better to be alone. Forever. Alone, and angsty...". 

Fuck you, teenage angsty brain. You don't know what you're talking about. You're stuck in patterns you helped create years ago. That's right, you heard me. You. Are. Dumb. You don't know what you're talkin' about. 

Yeah. I didn't sound very convincing to myself, either. 

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