Morose is the new boring...

Maybe not so new... Morose has always been boring, I suppose. Goths, Emo kids, maudlin poets... boring. Sorry, but it's true. There's nothing less appealing than lack of enthusiasm.

And I've been rather distinctly lacking in enthusiasm. And therefore boring. Especially to myself, but I haven't wanted to subject it to the world in general.

The thing is, I've been... lonely, for lack of a better word. I'm surrounded by people, but I'm not connecting to any of them. And it makes me feel lonely. Feeling lonely makes me feel pathetic, feeling pathetic makes me feel like I look desperate, and looking desperate is the death knell for human interaction. It's a vicious, stupid circle. Fuck you, Pacific NW Winter, for making me maudlin and mopey. And fuck you, brain, for not being strong enough to withstand it.

Thing is, I HAVE enthusiasm. It's just hard to access. It feels like it's getting stolen, or at least repressed. I think some things in my life right now are unhealthy enough that I'm actively hiding from them. And when I actively hide from things in my life, everything suffers. I can't lie to myself anymore. It's a talent I've lost. And THAT FUCKING SUCKS. It means that everything gets lost in the desperate bid to lose a little.

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