Random Acts of Awesome

There is this amazing book, by Doris Lessing, called Prisons we choose to live inside. I read it when I was in my early twenties, and it changed my life. The book itself focuses on the world at large, but I took the knowledge I'd gained from it and focused it on my own life. Or tried to. Relatively unsuccessfully, as it turns out. I've always known that I have a very strong tendency to create boundaries for myself, to create these rigid structures that provide me with a reassuring sense of being held in, being held back. When I was young, it was provided for me, in the form of a religion that did not let me be myself in any way, shape, or form. When I left that religion, I had a year of pure freedom. And then I created a prison for myself in the form of a relationship that I didn't want to be in. I grew to love J very much, but in the beginning, I was a swirling morass of "HOLY SHIT, WHAT AM I DOING??!". And I stayed in that relationship far, far longer than...

I don't know if you still read my blog at all. You unfriended me pretty quickly, and since I got a shit ton of traffic from facebook in the days right before that, and most of the posts accessed referenced you in some way... I can only assume you came here, read what I wrote about you a couple years ago, and walked away. I read through most of those posts, and I can't say as I blame you. They're both flattering and cruel. I feel bad, on some levels. I always tried so damn hard to be honest with you. I really, genuinely liked you. Like you. But there was always something there that blocked my honesty. I don't blame you for that, of course. It was my own weakness, my own stupid, bullshit issues. Regardless of the reasons, every time I tried to open up to you, to pull you into my real world, I froze up. The result of that is the posts you must have read. Truth, yes. I'm not ashamed of them. There's nothing in here that I didn't mean, nothing I shouldn't...