Random Acts of Awesome

You can tell a lot about a place Observing its relationships with clouds. A village wears hers like a birthday shawl, A city wears hers like a shroud. The clouds above an empty plain Always seem rather sullen, As if there's not enough to see or do And they'd rather be above an ocean. Now the clouds above the ocean Have a playful, mysterious air Like a pregnant wife with a worried husband, She's got a secret she's unwilling to share. I wrapped myself in a veil of dreams And let the sun melt them into my skin, Leaving behind a slick layer of happy Drowning in memories Gasping for air Seduced by the deep Crawling for the surface Reveling in the journey Through the past. Walking along the edge Arms opened wide Fingers trailing sparks Through the midnight air Head thrown back in joyous exaltation Belly trembling with fear Not knowing the destination Breathlessly waiting for the fall.

If you won the lottery tonight? I don't think about winning the lottery very often, because it's the type of escapism that's incredibly easy for me to fall into. I start thinking about it, I start feeling like I've won it, and then I don't and I get sad. That's just silly. But sometimes... Sometimes it's incredibly helpful to think about what I would do with a shitton of money. Like today. I've had a stress headache since Monday, based on an absolute inability to grieve openly and a complete lack of sanctuary. My home is not mine at the moment, nor is my room, nor my mind. And since none of these factors are actually out of my control, are instead repercussions of decisions I've made and continue to make, my body has decided to punish me. And keep punishing me till I fucking nut up and take care of myself. I'm not allowing myself to distract me from the decisions with the wonderful hormones released by sex and socializing, the way I always

When you kiss someone, does it not sometimes feel like you're kissing yourself? That you're looking down at your face as they lower or raise their lips to yours. Seeing every imperfection with a grimace, wanting to smooth your eyebrows, widen your eyes, lower your nose, straighten your teeth. Do you look at yourself with half the admiration your lover does, as they memorize every imperfect feature you hate? I think about the times I look in the mirror and wince, and I can't imagine another not doing the same. I can't imagine a lover seeing my flaws and loving them as much as I hate them. There are facets of me I love wholeheartedly. But there are more parts I don't deem worthy. How sad for those parts.

So fucking selfish. It probably seems like I'm a whole lot of down on myself in this blog. I write out all these epiphanies where I realize I've been an asshole about something or other for most of my life, and I castigate myself for being a dick. But that's not who I am in day to day life. I like myself, mayhap a bit too much. I expect the best of myself, I see myself through rose colored glasses, and it takes a whole lot of thinking to get me to admit to myself that there are things genuinely wrong with me. It feels like my 30s have been all about figuring out what's genuinely wrong with me. I'm kind of ok with that. I spent my 20s figuring out what was right, so I'm hoping I'll spend my 40s just being happy. After about 3 years of constant thinking (I'm not kidding. This has taken me 3 years. It's pathetic) about the friendships I've lost over the years, I've come to the conclusion that I was just a goddamn horrible friend. I had my

When I was young, I'd dream of escaping inside myself. I folded my arms around my heart and curved my body down. I dreamt of being a cocoon, invisible on the outside, but with a rich internal life. I can't tell you how many moments those images got me through. Every level of emotional trauma was met with this idea of escaping inside myself. It was comforting and warm, the ability to curl away from any danger, any damage. But the older I get, the more I dream of spreading my wings and flying away. I know longer see myself folding inwards when threatened. I see myself throwing wide my arms and dancing. I throw a coat of joy on over my vulnerable parts, I feel fire licking up my limbs and eating away at any danger that comes near, I feel power now. A power that my cocoon never had. I rarely feel the desire to hide away anymore, to protect my soft parts with my arms and back. I don't know where this power came from, but I'm grateful to it.