What would you do
If you won the lottery tonight?
I don't think about winning the lottery very often, because it's the type of escapism that's incredibly easy for me to fall into. I start thinking about it, I start feeling like I've won it, and then I don't and I get sad. That's just silly.
But sometimes... Sometimes it's incredibly helpful to think about what I would do with a shitton of money. Like today. I've had a stress headache since Monday, based on an absolute inability to grieve openly and a complete lack of sanctuary. My home is not mine at the moment, nor is my room, nor my mind.
And since none of these factors are actually out of my control, are instead repercussions of decisions I've made and continue to make, my body has decided to punish me. And keep punishing me till I fucking nut up and take care of myself.
I'm not allowing myself to distract me from the decisions with the wonderful hormones released by sex and socializing, the way I always have. I've decided to hunker down, let the worst of it pass, and then make decisions NOT based on a chemical cocktail that let's me think everything is a ok as long as I've got dick, money, and friends.
This hunkering down fucking sucks. I fucking hate it. This headache is a constant reminder that I haven't done what I said I was going to do yet, and there's nothing I can do to drown the pain out.
I figure thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery is, at this point, a harmless way of looking at my strongest needs and desires, while injecting myself with a little bit of hope.
It's telling that the absolute first thing I would do with money is buy a new car. A get away vehicle.
The second thing I would do is buy a big old house in Portland and populate it with people I want to be around. People who would watch my cats for me while I traveled. And then not live there. Not yet, anyways.
No, the third thing I would buy is a plane ticket to Costa Rica.
The fourth thing I'd buy is a cabin in Costa Rica. Someplace on the Caribbean side, close to a big town, not too touristy, but not too remote. I'd buy one with land attached to it, and add another house for a caretaker family to live in.
The fifth thing I'd do is fix my teeth. In Costa Rica, where it's both cheaper and higher quality medical care. I'd recover for 3 months on the ocean, spending little money and thinking about nothing but how my body feels in its environment.
The 6th thing I'd do is travel back to New England to help my folks find homes. Buy land for my parents, invest enough money for them to live off the proceeds. Buy my sister and brother in law a house with an art studio and massage room in it. Buy my sister Theresa a condo in the part of town she loves, and buy her a horse and a lifetimes boarding at a local stable. Buy her a car, and find her a trustworthy roommate who could live rent free in exchange for reliable rides and caretaking.
Buy my brother and sister in laws house for them, giving them the option to sell at some point soon. Put aside enough money for Jayvan and Kate's college tuition to any school they chose.
And then I'd be gone. I'd travel the world, lightly. Spending little, seeing everything I've ever wanted to see and then some. I'd go to places that I've always been scared of, forcing myself to experience the world authentically. Form connections instead of skipping along the surface. I don't know why I believe travel will make it easier to form binding, real connections, but I'm pretty sure its true.
And when I was done, if I ever was, I'd come back to Portland for a bit. And then down to Costa Rica for a bit. And then probably to Montana for a bit, where my baby brother would have hopefully established enough of a life for himself that I wouldn't feel like a domineering older sister when I bought him a beautiful home for him to raise a family in with the woman he loves.
After I got my family settled and myself healthy, I'd set up a couple non profits that would allow me to do what every fiber of me has always wanted to do. Actually help large numbers of people. Not just bandaid fixes for the giant ills of the world. But actual, real fixes that have long term repercussions leading to better lives for more than a person or two. I have a couple of schemes and ideas, but I'd hire some ideas folks. And some doers. Ideological, yes, but practical and driven more so.
Money wouldn't make everything better for me. But having the means to do all those wonderful things would be pretty fucking kickass.
I don't think about winning the lottery very often, because it's the type of escapism that's incredibly easy for me to fall into. I start thinking about it, I start feeling like I've won it, and then I don't and I get sad. That's just silly.
But sometimes... Sometimes it's incredibly helpful to think about what I would do with a shitton of money. Like today. I've had a stress headache since Monday, based on an absolute inability to grieve openly and a complete lack of sanctuary. My home is not mine at the moment, nor is my room, nor my mind.
And since none of these factors are actually out of my control, are instead repercussions of decisions I've made and continue to make, my body has decided to punish me. And keep punishing me till I fucking nut up and take care of myself.
I'm not allowing myself to distract me from the decisions with the wonderful hormones released by sex and socializing, the way I always have. I've decided to hunker down, let the worst of it pass, and then make decisions NOT based on a chemical cocktail that let's me think everything is a ok as long as I've got dick, money, and friends.
This hunkering down fucking sucks. I fucking hate it. This headache is a constant reminder that I haven't done what I said I was going to do yet, and there's nothing I can do to drown the pain out.
I figure thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery is, at this point, a harmless way of looking at my strongest needs and desires, while injecting myself with a little bit of hope.
It's telling that the absolute first thing I would do with money is buy a new car. A get away vehicle.
The second thing I would do is buy a big old house in Portland and populate it with people I want to be around. People who would watch my cats for me while I traveled. And then not live there. Not yet, anyways.
No, the third thing I would buy is a plane ticket to Costa Rica.
The fourth thing I'd buy is a cabin in Costa Rica. Someplace on the Caribbean side, close to a big town, not too touristy, but not too remote. I'd buy one with land attached to it, and add another house for a caretaker family to live in.
The fifth thing I'd do is fix my teeth. In Costa Rica, where it's both cheaper and higher quality medical care. I'd recover for 3 months on the ocean, spending little money and thinking about nothing but how my body feels in its environment.
The 6th thing I'd do is travel back to New England to help my folks find homes. Buy land for my parents, invest enough money for them to live off the proceeds. Buy my sister and brother in law a house with an art studio and massage room in it. Buy my sister Theresa a condo in the part of town she loves, and buy her a horse and a lifetimes boarding at a local stable. Buy her a car, and find her a trustworthy roommate who could live rent free in exchange for reliable rides and caretaking.
Buy my brother and sister in laws house for them, giving them the option to sell at some point soon. Put aside enough money for Jayvan and Kate's college tuition to any school they chose.
And then I'd be gone. I'd travel the world, lightly. Spending little, seeing everything I've ever wanted to see and then some. I'd go to places that I've always been scared of, forcing myself to experience the world authentically. Form connections instead of skipping along the surface. I don't know why I believe travel will make it easier to form binding, real connections, but I'm pretty sure its true.
And when I was done, if I ever was, I'd come back to Portland for a bit. And then down to Costa Rica for a bit. And then probably to Montana for a bit, where my baby brother would have hopefully established enough of a life for himself that I wouldn't feel like a domineering older sister when I bought him a beautiful home for him to raise a family in with the woman he loves.
After I got my family settled and myself healthy, I'd set up a couple non profits that would allow me to do what every fiber of me has always wanted to do. Actually help large numbers of people. Not just bandaid fixes for the giant ills of the world. But actual, real fixes that have long term repercussions leading to better lives for more than a person or two. I have a couple of schemes and ideas, but I'd hire some ideas folks. And some doers. Ideological, yes, but practical and driven more so.
Money wouldn't make everything better for me. But having the means to do all those wonderful things would be pretty fucking kickass.
Comments
Post a Comment