Ah, sexual dysfunction, my old friend...
I have a feeling I'm going to be appalled at myself after I write this out, but right now I haven't been able to stop an evil, smug little smile from creeping onto my face all afternoon.
So, last night, this guy B came over. I've been seeing him off and on for about 4 months now. He's got some quirks that I find annoying, but for the most part our sexual chemistry more than makes up for that. One of the most annoying quirks is his tendency to bite. Hard. I've had bruises with perfect teeth shaped imprints from him. Now, I don't actually mind biting, for the most part. I like the contrast of sensation, between arousal and pain. And this guy knows that, and has taken too free license with it in the past. I've talked to him about it, and told him to go easier, to not bite so hard. And he listened, for the most part.
But last night, he bit me really, really hard just after I'd had a REALLY intense orgasm. And that level of pain transfered all that intense feeling instantly into rage. Like, seeing red, really wanting to hurt someone rage. He was behind me, and I had my elbow drawn back and going for his nose before I even thought about it. I stopped myself just before I hit him, but I brought my hand down and dug a single nail into his hand, which was by my side. He was still going, just about to come, and he didn't really do anything other than say ouch and pull his hand away. But after he'd come and rolled over, he looked at his hand and got really upset because it was bleeding. I'd gouged a furrow in it, like a little Nike swoosh, shallow, but sharp and stingingly painful.
I apologized, and I meant it. I hadn't been thinking straight, and I dont think it's ok to retaliate to that degree over something that is sometimes ok and sometimes not. But I had to hide my face for a while, because everytime I looked at the scratch I'd get a happy, smug little feeling in my belly and probably a grin on my face. I did feel bad, but I also felt perfectly justified (that's probably the part I should be appalled at myself about).
But then he wouldn't let it go. He kept bitching and moaning. I apologized sincerely again, got up to get him a bandaid, and when I came back he was lying on his back, holding his hand and pouting. When I gave him the bandaid, he started in on me again. He kept poking at me, saying hurtful, bitchy little things to try and make me feel bad, probably because he felt emasculated about how he reacted to a little bit of pain.
And I lost it, and just fucking let him have it. I called him a hypocrytical little bitch, told him that while I was sorry I'd drawn blood, I'd wanted to cause him the exact same amount of pain he'd caused me. That he'd taken the great feeling of an intense orgasm and turned it into hurtful anger with a stupid stunt that I've told him many times is not ok. That he went too far, and it was ridiculous to expect me to apologize constantly when he's never once apologized for the times he's bitten me too hard. That a scratch was better than a broken nose, which was what I was originally going for, and a hell of a lot easier to explain to his workmates.
He backed off, but still refused to apologize, and I just rolled over and went to sleep. He woke up this morning still pouting about it, but expecting me to give him "morning head". I rolled out of bed and kicked him out, telling him I had things to do. I was completely turned off and uninterested, and that's never happened in the entire time we've been fucking. He got all kinds of repentent after that, and wanted a reassuring hug and kiss before he left.
So, last night, this guy B came over. I've been seeing him off and on for about 4 months now. He's got some quirks that I find annoying, but for the most part our sexual chemistry more than makes up for that. One of the most annoying quirks is his tendency to bite. Hard. I've had bruises with perfect teeth shaped imprints from him. Now, I don't actually mind biting, for the most part. I like the contrast of sensation, between arousal and pain. And this guy knows that, and has taken too free license with it in the past. I've talked to him about it, and told him to go easier, to not bite so hard. And he listened, for the most part.
But last night, he bit me really, really hard just after I'd had a REALLY intense orgasm. And that level of pain transfered all that intense feeling instantly into rage. Like, seeing red, really wanting to hurt someone rage. He was behind me, and I had my elbow drawn back and going for his nose before I even thought about it. I stopped myself just before I hit him, but I brought my hand down and dug a single nail into his hand, which was by my side. He was still going, just about to come, and he didn't really do anything other than say ouch and pull his hand away. But after he'd come and rolled over, he looked at his hand and got really upset because it was bleeding. I'd gouged a furrow in it, like a little Nike swoosh, shallow, but sharp and stingingly painful.
I apologized, and I meant it. I hadn't been thinking straight, and I dont think it's ok to retaliate to that degree over something that is sometimes ok and sometimes not. But I had to hide my face for a while, because everytime I looked at the scratch I'd get a happy, smug little feeling in my belly and probably a grin on my face. I did feel bad, but I also felt perfectly justified (that's probably the part I should be appalled at myself about).
But then he wouldn't let it go. He kept bitching and moaning. I apologized sincerely again, got up to get him a bandaid, and when I came back he was lying on his back, holding his hand and pouting. When I gave him the bandaid, he started in on me again. He kept poking at me, saying hurtful, bitchy little things to try and make me feel bad, probably because he felt emasculated about how he reacted to a little bit of pain.
And I lost it, and just fucking let him have it. I called him a hypocrytical little bitch, told him that while I was sorry I'd drawn blood, I'd wanted to cause him the exact same amount of pain he'd caused me. That he'd taken the great feeling of an intense orgasm and turned it into hurtful anger with a stupid stunt that I've told him many times is not ok. That he went too far, and it was ridiculous to expect me to apologize constantly when he's never once apologized for the times he's bitten me too hard. That a scratch was better than a broken nose, which was what I was originally going for, and a hell of a lot easier to explain to his workmates.
He backed off, but still refused to apologize, and I just rolled over and went to sleep. He woke up this morning still pouting about it, but expecting me to give him "morning head". I rolled out of bed and kicked him out, telling him I had things to do. I was completely turned off and uninterested, and that's never happened in the entire time we've been fucking. He got all kinds of repentent after that, and wanted a reassuring hug and kiss before he left.
And now I don't want to see him again. And I don't want to go on my date tonight. I'm so turned off at the thought of any kind of drama it's not even funny.
And it's kind of depressing as fuck. Why am I so drawn to sexually dysfunctional men, GOD DAMN IT?!! Srsly. Man. I'm at a point in my life where I honestly don't fucking care what makes him act like a douchebag. I care about what in the world makes my body so attracted to him. It's a wake up call, damn it. Back to the fucking drawing board.
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