I tell you what I want

What I really really want... I wanna! I wanna!
I always hear the next part as tear your body down and slam it all around. That doesn't say much for my mental health.

The other day, my friend asked me what I wanted in a man. She asked me to detail it out, what would make me swoon, believe in true love, my dream lover... all that jazz.

I couldn't do it. She asked me why, and I said it was because when I know what I want, it generally comes to me. I can manifest like a motherfucker. And I don't want true love to come to me right now. I'm not ready for it. I'm not the type of person yet that I want to be, which means that I'm not ready for love.
And it was true. I'm not ready, mostly because I'm not going to attract to me the kind of guy I want to fall in love with.
Good lord. It sounds so controlling. And it is, but only of myself.

So, instead of manifesting true love, I'm going to manifest my true self. That's right. I said it. Fucking hippy bullshit, but there it is. Who am I, and what do I want?

Well, I want love. Of myself, for myself, of others and for others.

I want to be fit. Not skinny, but fit. I want to kick ass and take names. I want lithe muscles that let me climb a tree without thinking about it, that let me run without my boobs getting in the way, that let me be helpful.

I want beauty. I want nature surrounding me. I want pine trees, the smell of sap in the air. I want open windows, rain and sunshine, leaves rustling. And I want to feel a part of it, not above it and disconnected from it. I want to walk in it because it's home, not visit it. I want water, of one sort or another. Maybe ocean, maybe river, maybe stream. Don't care. Probably not pond, since I don't really relate to stagnant.

I want youthful energy surrounding me. I honestly don't know if I want kids. It's been a long time since I've thought I did, and I can't trust the rantings of my crazy uterus at the moment. But either way, I want youthful energy. I want kids around me, that I can interact with, become childish with. I love my niece and nephew, they make me feel like a kid myself. I miss that sparky energy, and want that in my life. Kids make me feel innocent again, and that's nice every now and then.

I want community, of a sort. I want people who can rely on me, and people I can rely on. I don't want them all up in my business, I don't want them invading my privacy. But I want them around, and I want them to know me as I know them. A village, a neighborhood, doesn't matter. I want people around me for me to analyze, for me to get to know. And I want them to accept me into their midst. Probably with very little effort on my part :D.

I want to travel. I want to experience new things, new sensations. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin where ever I happen to be. I want to sit in a cafe in Costa Rica, watching the world go by, drinking strong coffee. I want to experience airports without stress, I want to meet fellow travelers and sit in a bar till the wee hours of the morning talking shop.

In the opposite direction, I want a home. A stress free home that I can come back to. I don't know where it will be, or when. But I want a home.