Oh, for fucks sake

I'm boring myself again. Looking back over the past couple of posts, I don't see any real sense of me in them. They feel like a stranger wrote them. A boring stranger, who gives a fuck what others think about her, and who can't write about anything that doesn't involve something that makes her feel good about herself.

I'd like to blame winter for my self centerdness, for my maudlin focus on everything MEMEMEMEME. But that would be a total cop out. It's not winters fault I let myself get like this, all tawdry sex and tawdrier emotions. It's my own damn lack of motivation and drive. I get so fucking lazy, to the point where even knowing exactly what I need to do, what will drag me back into myself and make me whole again, doesn't matter. Don't want to do it. I suppose in some ways that's classic depression, and I should get it checked out. I need to fight the ol' New England "Buck up and do it on your own, weakling, or it doesn't count" attitude that keeps me from finding and connecting with a therapist I love.

Anyways, just needed to apologize to myself, and slap myself in the face and say "CUT IT THE FUCK OUT", and then write about something interesting.

Sadly, I don't have anything interesting to write about. Acknowledging that is the first step!

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