On being open

The concept of polyamory has been coming up quite a bit in my life lately. Both of the periphery, and directly related to me. It's gotten me thinking about what it means, whether it's truly viable, whether it's something I want for myself. Honestly, I tend to think I'm too jealous a person to deal with a serious, committed partner having sex with other people. And when I'm in a serious, committed relationship, I tend to not be attracted to other people.
That's probably a mix of upbringing and genetics, since my parents were passionately in love and my father never looked at another woman. I'm softwired to expect that from a mate.

But, when it comes to friendships and sex, my views are very different. I'm involved with a married couple, both of whom I consider very good friends, and both of whom I'm sexually attracted to. They don't live near me, so distance contributes to the ease of our relationship. But even if they did, I think we could make it work. Neither of them considers themselves to be naturally monogamous. They would be unhappy trying to force themselves into that mold. And, as they've explained it to me, it's not because their one partner can't fulfill all their needs. It's because they know that they can connect and feel just as much for another person as they can for their life partner. They feel that they're capable of truly loving more than one person at a time. 
Whether or not they're right remains to be seen. But as of right now, they're relatively happy. They have other shit going on in their life at the same time that they've decided to become truly poly, so there's a lot of stress. And I honestly don't know if it's going to work for them, or not. And I don't know how I feel about my part in their drama. I don't know if it's right or not. And if I find sex starts to ruin the friendship, I'll cut sex out. Friendship, and honesty, and absolute lack of tolerance for drama all seem to be vital ingredients for this type of relationship, though.

I know quite a few couples who consider themselves either open or polyamorous. And the only ones that are happy, or who haven't already broken up, are the ones who are best friends more than they're lovers.

I think that the role of lover is, by nature, a jealous one. Especially in our society. I think that the role of friend is, by nature, a less jealous one. Friendship leaves room for things that passionate love has little patience for. And those couples who are truly happy in polyamory sacrifice a level of passion along with the role of lover. And they're ok with that. Because they find a breadth of experience within their relationships with their partners, as opposed to the depth they'd have with a single partner.
It can be a beautiful thing, that breadth. I'm drawn to the idea of it. But I think, for myself, I'd prefer the depth.

That may very well change as I start to grow into who I truly am within the confines of a relationship. I don't know. Part of me thinks it's petty, this need for passionate, singular love. 
 I'm not a fan of the idea of wanting my partners happiness more than wanting my own. I think that concept smacks of codependence, and reminds me too much of that Shel Silverstein story, The Giving Tree (which I hated).

But I am a fan of being able to be happy completely within myself, and I think that state would preclude jealousy.  


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