emotional support and empathy

I've been thinking lately about what I'm capable of giving. It's thinking that's been inspired by certain events, but which has also been in the back of my mind for a very long time. I know what I want to give. I want to be generous with my friends and lovers, I want to give of myself and my emotions, I want to be open to receiving theirs.

A theme in me losing the relationships I valued over the past 6 months or so seems to be them accusing (and not in a bad way) me of being incapable of understanding where they're coming from, of not giving enough, and of not being empathetic enough. Bianka used to get so hurt when others knew more about my life than she did, because I didn't tell her first. She didn't understand why I didn't give as much of myself as she did, why I didn't push myself on her even when she was caught up in her own shit.

Rhi could not understand how I could disagree with her point of view about what happened between me and Paul. She didn't understand how I could sleep with someone she had slept with, and then not look at it as the ultimate betrayal. How I could possibly be so uncaring of her particular quirks, after knowing her for so long and so well.

And B, though he claims fault, also couldn't understand why I couldn't be more understanding of his emotions and needs. He claims that I couldn't give him emotional support and empathy. That's pretty much the exact same issue with Bianka and Rhi.

So. What am I capable of? What am I incapable of? The common factor here is that I thought I WAS giving these people emotional support and empathy. I honestly understood exactly where they were coming from. Bianka, I knew that she was a self centered, incredibly survival oriented human being who had a hard time maintaining a long term, emotionally close relationship with another woman due to incredibly severe issues with trust. I understood that, loved her anyways, and tried to work around it. But I also didn't feel compelled to give her too much of myself. I loved her deeply, but didn't trust her with who I really was. To a certain extent, I kind of took for granted that she already knew everything about me.

With Rhi, I knew that she was only capable of loving a certain part of me. I was a very specific person around her, because that's the type of friend she needed. I'm sure she was a very specific person around me cause that's the type of friend I needed. People do that to each other. But with her, again because of incredibly intense trust issues and severe trauma, that reality was extremely sharply bifurcated. She wanted pure honesty and truth, but she also had to have confirmation of her reality. The two don't exactly go hand in hand.

With B, I felt like I knew what I was getting into, and could handle it. Intensity, self centeredness, trauma related trust and self esteem issues, absolute giving combined with absolute need. Mostly kindness with a touch of cruelty, and a need to create MORE. More depth, more sexuality, more intensity. I saw myself in those qualities, and was selfishly drawn to them. In many, many ways we are extremely similar. The difference with us is heart. I have a level of depth I'm willing to give, and I don't go beyond it. It's a level of heart that helps me maintain healthy friendships with healthy friends, but not much more than that.

And yet, obviously I'm DRAWN to more than that. I keep seeking out, and accepting into my life, people who want more than that from me. This post seems to have turned into a blame fest, pointing the finger at other peoples problems as explanation of my own. That's not how I feel, though. I blame myself in many ways for the hurt I've caused. I'm drawn to "broken" people, wounded birds, trauma survivors, people who've experienced terrible things that the rest of the world would faint at. I'm fascinated by and drawn to their strength, and relate to their weaknesses. I genuinely want to help.

And therein probably lies the problem. Such hubris! I can't help people. Fuck, I can barely help myself. I try, and instead I reach a limit I'm unwilling to cross and suddenly everything blows up. I'm hurt, they're hurt. It's bullshit.

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