Random Acts of Awesome

Maybe not so new... Morose has always been boring, I suppose. Goths, Emo kids, maudlin poets... boring. Sorry, but it's true. There's nothing less appealing than lack of enthusiasm. And I've been rather distinctly lacking in enthusiasm. And therefore boring. Especially to myself, but I haven't wanted to subject it to the world in general. The thing is, I've been... lonely, for lack of a better word. I'm surrounded by people, but I'm not connecting to any of them. And it makes me feel lonely. Feeling lonely makes me feel pathetic, feeling pathetic makes me feel like I look desperate, and looking desperate is the death knell for human interaction. It's a vicious, stupid circle. Fuck you, Pacific NW Winter, for making me maudlin and mopey. And fuck you, brain, for not being strong enough to withstand it. Thing is, I HAVE enthusiasm. It's just hard to access. It feels like it's getting stolen, or at least repressed. I think some things in my li...

I'm at that sweet spot now, between buzzed and drunk. Still not drunk enough to deeply regret it in the morning, but just buzzed enough to believe you don't have to care. I've started on the Absinthe, and I'm smoking a giant cigar, so the regret might still come... But for now, I can feel just the blunted edge of shame, not the Sharp edge of self hatred. I'm feeling like a coward tonight, and I hate that feeling. I'm brave about so many things, and cowardly about so few. I'm hiding away in my home tonight, and tomorrow I'm making a decision to not do something that I probably should. So. Tonight I hide in the alcohol and tobacco. How very trite.

I have always hated doing what was expected. It's made holidays, and pretty much any other day you're "supposed" to celebrate, pretty uncomfortable for me and those around me. I even kind of hate celebrating anniversaries. There's this sense that you HAVE TO HAVE FUN. And if you don't, there's something seriously wrong. I just get so intensely uncomfortable with that idea. In fact, I get uncomfortable enough that I'm pretty much guaranteed not going to have fun. And then THERE'S SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG! So, I tend to just avoid the fuss. I don't celebrate my birthday for the most part. I don't celebrate any holidays except those which involve cooking copious amounts of good food and feeding people, or dressing up in ridiculous costumes and getting drunk and scaring people. One of my least favorite holidays has always been New Years Eve. The idea that we're supposed to celebrate the beginning of a new year (which in and of itself is a...