The autumn of our discontent

I don't know what it is about autumn, but it ALWAYS makes me feel discontented. It always makes me feel like I should have more, somehow.
More friends, more beauty, more happiness, more stability... more of everything.

At the same time, I love autumn more than any other season. I don't know if I like what that says about me...
But I do. I love it. I love the slow, golden sunshine, the wind that blows the scent of leaves and brown earth in through my windows. I love the harvest theme, the vegetables, the colors, the slowly shortening days that make time feel like a candy that's been slowly sucked all year till it's finally getting to the brittle, sharp edged end. Everything about fall, I love.

But.

I spent all day today feeling like I should be doing more. I woke up late, made myself a wonderful breakfast that involved maple syrup (everything has to involve maple syrup in the fall. Even onions and curry.), went and picked up three huge bundles of free firewood for a theoretical bonfire, stopped at a thrifty antique store and bought some miniatures to make chess sets out of, went to the fish mongers and bought a pound of sushi grade ivory salmon and a bunch of fresh veggies. The impulsively stopped at the liquor store on the way home and bought an absolutely incredible bottle of 16yr Island scotch, a kind I've been searching for for YEARS, ever since I had a glass in an awesome little bar that stocked unusual scotches, and haven't been able to find bottled since... Spent a LOT of money today...

But.

It was all worth it. I'm sitting in front of my living room window now, looking through a bright orange sheer curtain out into caramel sunshine, sipping my $90 scotch, planning out the sushi meal I'm going to make tonight. And writing a blog post. And composing a reply email to a fascinating new person I've met, and who I'm going on another date next week. Smelling the cinnamon, clove, and cardamom water I've got boiling in the background.
God, I'm so fucking spoiled.

But.

Fucking discontent. Fall makes me want more. More than this? What is more than this?

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