Who I am not

I think, sometimes, that it is just as important to be reminded of who we are not as who we are.

I am not an East Coast girl. I used to think of myself as a transplant, enjoying where I live now but not truly belonging. But that doesn't mean I belong back here.

I am not a perfect person. I can try to be kind, I can try to be nonjudgmental, I can do my damndest not to be cruel. But in the end, I fail sometimes. And that's ok.

I am not a traditional person. Oh gods, am I not a traditional person. I don't what, exactly, a traditional person is, but I know I am not it. I love my family, I love my past, but I love me now more.

I am not ok with confrontation. Apparently I have never been ok with confrontation. My mom told me a story yesterday of me being a newborn, and crying as newborns do. Except when she leaned in towards me and said Sarah, in a disapproving tone, I got huge eyes and shut up, snivelling a little but no longer wailing. Her and my dad looked at each other in disbelief, thinking it was a coincidence. But no. It worked every time. I'm guessing they used it often, and I learned to bottle up my feelings at a very, very young age... I couldn't handle their disappontment, ever, so I hid from it. I learned to lie remarkably well, and I learned to hide everything about myself they (and I) didn't like. So, confrontation still kills me. I can handle that.

I am not a badass. I'd like to think I'm a badass, that I'm tough and hard and capable of doing what needs to be done. But I'm not. I'm not necessarily a softy, but I'm just not a badass.

I'm not too proud. I have always been afraid of pride, afraid of my own tendency to fall into it. I've worked too damn hard to expunge it, to cultivate humility.

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