Oh, Sarah
You need a little bit of a pep talk.
You're simultaneously getting a bit big for your britches and way too sad and hard on yourself.
So.
Pep talk from your motherly side. Here it comes.
First of all, I love you. I know that makes you uncomfortable, makes you a little squirmy and awkward, and maybe even a little angry.
But too bad. I love you. I look at your reflection and I see kind eyes, remarkable spirit, and the familiar curves of a beautiful home. You need to be secure in my love of you before you can be secure in anything else.
Now. You don't really believe that what you just did, what you just pulled off, had anything to do with you. You would rather put all (well, most) of the glory in the hands of the people who did the "real" work. Managing, herding cats, organizing... you're not really good at those things, so there must have been another reason for the success.
Hooey.
You done good. You forced yourself out of your preconceived ideas of who you are, what you're capable of, and you did some awesome shit. It wasn't the technical side of things, though that was a part of it. It was a completely new skill set, that you have never had to use in a professional setting before. And you did it with ZERO training. With a boss who dropped you in the deep end of the pool, half heartedly offered a float if you needed it, and then left you to it. Holy shit, woman. Think about what you did, and be a little in awe of yourself. Ride the sense of confidence and growth, and let it take you forward. Don't deliberately hop off because you think you can't handle it. Or worse, that you don't deserve it.
Now. Reality. Is this what you want? Do you want this feeling of accomplishment based on work that does nothing more satisfying than give you this feeling of accomplishment? It's important to learn from this, to realize and actualize (heh) what you're capable of. But don't let it swallow you up. Don't let it become enough. It's not enough to do a good job, Sarah. Not when what you really want is to do good. You keep telling yourself it's a selfish desire, this want to do good. It's a holdover of a hyper-religious background that force fed you self satisfied pap about how important your life was because you were doing good for others.
And I say, you wouldn't have stayed in that religion for so long if it hadn't satisfied a need that was already inside you. You don't want to do good because it's the right thing to do. You want to do good because you NEED TO HELP. You NEED to give. When you don't give in healthy ways, it comes out in incredibly unhealthy ways (hello, every guy you've ever dated and friendship you've ever aggressively pursued).
So, giving may very well be a selfish thing for you, but it's a need that can be healthily, happily fulfilled if you pursue it and do it right.
Also, your friendships. Yes, you are doing good, pursuing healthy friendships with good people. You're also gravitating towards older women, strong, fearless, badass women who are happy (for the most part) with who they are and where their lives are. You want to be them, so you pursue friendships that can help you learn how to do so.
Now, they're older than you. They've had more experience, are wiser, and in many ways, smarter. You feel like they don't look at you as an equal. Honey, act like their equal, and they'll treat you as such. You make bad decisions based on youth and stupidity. You're 35 fucking years old, and you still act like a teenager in the midst of hormonal angst sometimes. You're growing, you're learning, and you're imperfect. Admit that, to yourself and others, and you'll be a lot better off :).
All right, that's it for now.
Love,
You.
You're simultaneously getting a bit big for your britches and way too sad and hard on yourself.
So.
Pep talk from your motherly side. Here it comes.
First of all, I love you. I know that makes you uncomfortable, makes you a little squirmy and awkward, and maybe even a little angry.
But too bad. I love you. I look at your reflection and I see kind eyes, remarkable spirit, and the familiar curves of a beautiful home. You need to be secure in my love of you before you can be secure in anything else.
Now. You don't really believe that what you just did, what you just pulled off, had anything to do with you. You would rather put all (well, most) of the glory in the hands of the people who did the "real" work. Managing, herding cats, organizing... you're not really good at those things, so there must have been another reason for the success.
Hooey.
You done good. You forced yourself out of your preconceived ideas of who you are, what you're capable of, and you did some awesome shit. It wasn't the technical side of things, though that was a part of it. It was a completely new skill set, that you have never had to use in a professional setting before. And you did it with ZERO training. With a boss who dropped you in the deep end of the pool, half heartedly offered a float if you needed it, and then left you to it. Holy shit, woman. Think about what you did, and be a little in awe of yourself. Ride the sense of confidence and growth, and let it take you forward. Don't deliberately hop off because you think you can't handle it. Or worse, that you don't deserve it.
Now. Reality. Is this what you want? Do you want this feeling of accomplishment based on work that does nothing more satisfying than give you this feeling of accomplishment? It's important to learn from this, to realize and actualize (heh) what you're capable of. But don't let it swallow you up. Don't let it become enough. It's not enough to do a good job, Sarah. Not when what you really want is to do good. You keep telling yourself it's a selfish desire, this want to do good. It's a holdover of a hyper-religious background that force fed you self satisfied pap about how important your life was because you were doing good for others.
And I say, you wouldn't have stayed in that religion for so long if it hadn't satisfied a need that was already inside you. You don't want to do good because it's the right thing to do. You want to do good because you NEED TO HELP. You NEED to give. When you don't give in healthy ways, it comes out in incredibly unhealthy ways (hello, every guy you've ever dated and friendship you've ever aggressively pursued).
So, giving may very well be a selfish thing for you, but it's a need that can be healthily, happily fulfilled if you pursue it and do it right.
Also, your friendships. Yes, you are doing good, pursuing healthy friendships with good people. You're also gravitating towards older women, strong, fearless, badass women who are happy (for the most part) with who they are and where their lives are. You want to be them, so you pursue friendships that can help you learn how to do so.
Now, they're older than you. They've had more experience, are wiser, and in many ways, smarter. You feel like they don't look at you as an equal. Honey, act like their equal, and they'll treat you as such. You make bad decisions based on youth and stupidity. You're 35 fucking years old, and you still act like a teenager in the midst of hormonal angst sometimes. You're growing, you're learning, and you're imperfect. Admit that, to yourself and others, and you'll be a lot better off :).
All right, that's it for now.
Love,
You.
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