Random Acts of Awesome

I was just reading an article written by a woman with PTSD, talking about her relationships with others. Her whole blog is kind of awesome, but this particular entry really, really resonated with me. Not because I think I have PTSD. But because I'm almost positive that Trevor has it. As positive as I can be, minus his willingness to see a mental health professional and get diagnosed. So, she's describing how hard it is for her loved ones to deal with being her loved ones, and why. And, while I've done a lot of research on PTSD and am familiar with the symptoms, I've never really brought that thought process full circle, never really related them to my life and relationship with him. And why should I, right? Trevor isn't a boyfriend, or a partner. He's a lover, and a friend, but I'm free of emotional entanglements with him that would complicate my ability to clearly see our relationship, or walk away from unhealthiness... Yeah. I call hard bullshit on tha...

I feel so completely disconnected from the rest of humanity right now. It's been a while since I've felt so lonely. I think a part of it is the knowledge that today is a religious night for my family. One we used to celebrate together, with a big dinner before church, and then ice cream after. I actually contemplated going this year. I told myself I was thinking about going because I wanted to bear the reality of what my folks are hearing right now. It's supposed to be a big one this year, they're supposed to make some kind of announcement Bout this being the last memorial. In other words, and announcement about the end of the world. They do this every ten years or so. They drum up anxiety and excitement this way, making people in that religion feel like they're not actually wasting their time and resources on an end of days cult that has never made an accurate prediction. Anyways, I was contemplating going. For informational purposes only. In reality, I...

I feel like an explosion that's already happened. Caught in a net of hands of my own making, catching the pieces of me as they try to escape, pulling them in and shoving them back into place with no real regard for where they come from. And each piece that's meant to be gone is rotting away, unconnected to anything else. All that kinetic energy dispersed into the effort required to deny the affects of the original explosion. Fuck that. I'm leery of not focusing on the negative right now. Sometimes you NEED to focus on the negative, in order to be motivated to get shit done. But that has never, ever, EVER worked for me. I am not a negatively charged particle. I can't actually accomplish anything positive when the negative is in ascendance. I just can't. I can't beat myself up over my imperfections and let that pain motivate me to change. I have to be happy to create more happy. It's why I've developed all of these false mechanisms of happiness...