Bah. Religion.
I feel so completely disconnected from the rest of humanity right now.
It's been a while since I've felt so lonely. I think a part of it is the knowledge that today is a religious night for my family. One we used to celebrate together, with a big dinner before church, and then ice cream after.
I actually contemplated going this year. I told myself I was thinking about going because I wanted to bear the reality of what my folks are hearing right now. It's supposed to be a big one this year, they're supposed to make some kind of announcement Bout this being the last memorial. In other words, and announcement about the end of the world.
They do this every ten years or so. They drum up anxiety and excitement this way, making people in that religion feel like they're not actually wasting their time and resources on an end of days cult that has never made an accurate prediction.
Anyways, I was contemplating going. For informational purposes only.
In reality, I'm pretty sure I want to go because its a connection to a past that was more social than what I currently have. It's a connection to the only community I've ever been a part of, and I crave community so deeply right now.
I don't crave it at the expense of my self respect, though. I didn't let myself go tonight, though it wasn't even a conscious decision. I felt great this morning, after a really fun bbq last night. And got progressively more depressed as the day went on and I got closer to the decision not to go. Till now, when I am sitting in an English pub, drinking a martini and stirring in my blog. Alone. And feeling it.
Yeah. Not good. I need people in my life. I hate that word in relation to myself. Need. Bah. But its true. I'm unhappy without without it, without them. I am currently unwilling to reach out and get what I need, for multiple reasons. None of which are even remotely valid. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself to go into detail about it right now, but maybe soon. I really should be writing them out, to show myself how ridiculous they are.
It's been a while since I've felt so lonely. I think a part of it is the knowledge that today is a religious night for my family. One we used to celebrate together, with a big dinner before church, and then ice cream after.
I actually contemplated going this year. I told myself I was thinking about going because I wanted to bear the reality of what my folks are hearing right now. It's supposed to be a big one this year, they're supposed to make some kind of announcement Bout this being the last memorial. In other words, and announcement about the end of the world.
They do this every ten years or so. They drum up anxiety and excitement this way, making people in that religion feel like they're not actually wasting their time and resources on an end of days cult that has never made an accurate prediction.
Anyways, I was contemplating going. For informational purposes only.
In reality, I'm pretty sure I want to go because its a connection to a past that was more social than what I currently have. It's a connection to the only community I've ever been a part of, and I crave community so deeply right now.
I don't crave it at the expense of my self respect, though. I didn't let myself go tonight, though it wasn't even a conscious decision. I felt great this morning, after a really fun bbq last night. And got progressively more depressed as the day went on and I got closer to the decision not to go. Till now, when I am sitting in an English pub, drinking a martini and stirring in my blog. Alone. And feeling it.
Yeah. Not good. I need people in my life. I hate that word in relation to myself. Need. Bah. But its true. I'm unhappy without without it, without them. I am currently unwilling to reach out and get what I need, for multiple reasons. None of which are even remotely valid. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself to go into detail about it right now, but maybe soon. I really should be writing them out, to show myself how ridiculous they are.
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