Fathers Day
I received a letter from my father a long time ago, about 11 years now, that I wasn't able to fully read for a very, very long time. Every time I started to read it, I got anxious to the point of tears, and I'd just put it down and tell myself I'd read it later.
I finally read the whole thing recently. 11 years. Jesus. Talk about daddy issues.
Anyways, the letter is getting old. And I want to write it out, so I have it available to read without ruining the paper and the handwriting that says so much about my father.
"Dear Sarah,
I was glad to get such a long letter from you. I always enjoy our phone calls, but they tend to get slightly abstract - I do miss you very much. We all feel the same. Family connections are an important part of our lives. We're a funny family in some ways. Close - but not too close. We all value our individuality and privacy also.
You asked for first reactions. I could probably fill this notebook with them. But my hand would fall off first... Your PS struck me. By saying we won't be surprised, you recognize the existing relations and connections between us. Of course I didn't know your thoughts and feelings in a specific way. I'm glad to be able to know them through your letter.
Just as you sat and observed on the bus or in the park and learned something about the strangers that passed, I have been observing you all
Pg 2 -
your life. Of course our observations are always subject to whatever we are thinking or going through ourselves. But we do get some idea of what goes on inside others by what gets through to the outside.
I know you've always struggled with how others view you, the approval or disapproval, the judgments, just and unjust.
All of us in your family have similar feelings, to one degree or another, and we all struggle at times. Sometimes my struggles have been as intense as yours. I say that, not in comparison, but in companionship. We aren't always as alone as it seems. (His handwriting changes dramatically at this point, becomes much more intense and emotional)
I'm to stay focused on the things you have said about your feelings. I can only imagine the difficult feeling of having no connection to anyone and nothing seems real...
Pg 3 -
*Monday PM*
... a few days later (a week, really). Amazing how fast time goes. I was writing the first part at a new place called Panera Bread - near Barnes - last Saturday morning. Then this family with obnoxious kids came in... so much for writing.
Then this weekend Mom, Leah, and I were exhibitors at Greeley Park art show. I had 3 finished paintings on display, Mom had 15!
Pete Giza also had his own booth. He won 4th place in the oils judging! I was going to finish this letter at the show, since I'd be sitting around with plenty of time. Only problem: (my dad is the only person I've ever know to write out a colon in a letter) 95 to 100 degrees in the shade! Wiped me out.
So another day drifts... after work now, sitting in Michael Timothys waiting for 5:30 so I can order supper. Mom and Leah are in Rockport painting, Chris is at work. I'm taking advantage and enjoying a Lagavulin *almost as old as you are!* -
Please excuse abreviated style and sloppy writing - arthritis in hands -
Pg 4 -
Back to reactions -
You mentioned loss of family ties. NO! I still love you. You're my daughter. That connection doesn't go away. A part of love is understanding, and I will always try to seek that through communication and observation. And I pray you will always accept that and I am always able to offer that.
Maybe the somewhat casual attitude we all have towards our relationships is due to a underlying confidence that those relationships are based on more than just emotional whim. A confidence not common in families today.
That's the way I feel about your place in the family. Circumstances, perceptions, emotions, patterns of thinking all change. You being our daughter never changes!
Pg 5 -
At that basic level of acceptance, I hope you can find a solid base, an enduring connection to anchor your heart through this turbulent period.
I think you have a perception of the reality of that family connection, for you fear losing it! Can you lose something not real, not substantial? You surely don't feel it's one sided, your attachment to an indifferent group of calous people, perhaps a wistful longing for acceptance and inclusion in an imagined warm, caring structure, one not supported by any depth of character within the individuals making up the pseudo-structure. (reading this run on sentence as an adult has lent itself to a much deeper understanding of my fathers relationship with his own family)
That certainly is not the case. I know you recognize and value the real, tangible, substantial nature of our family. Do we always agree? Are we an unblemished "Ozzie and Harriet" script playing vicarious stability? Of course not! But neither is that what you expect or need.
Pg 6 -
Do you expect perfection of me? Neither do I expect perfection of you.
Can you grant forgiveness for my failings as a father? Even more so do I extend acceptance to the limits of the god-given principles I must apply. My responsibility as the father is the greater. Of course, you, as an adult, and a baptized Christian, have accepted your own load of responsibility.
See how I refer to the intrinsic source of family structure? I do so because to do otherwise would be a denial of the reality I accept and embrace.
Notice, also, I can mention my failure as an imperfect human and the fundamental rightness and completeness of the family arrangement in the same paragraph. That was not planned, but it struck me as a I read over what I write.
Pg 7 - (his handwriting in this section is hyper-cerebral)
This touches on a fundamental point recurring in your letter. The apparent incongruity of imperfect people existing in a perfect structure or arrangement.
You certainly don't express yourself as an egotistical phony proclaiming your own self-righteousness! Neither do you really subscribe to the pop-psychology "I'm ok, your ok", the early 70s rationalization that sin is non-existent.
Rather, you underscore your acceptance of divine standards in your own (harsh) judgement of yourself.
Sarah, you are one of the most empathetic, understanding people I know. In the sense of putting yourself in anothers place so as to understand their thinking, feelings, and actions. You have an uncommon perception into the heart workings of others. Probably, in many cases, more than the one you examine!
Pg 8 -
It strikes me that such perception is not without cost. You see the judgmental prejudice, small, mean biased preconceptions of people that don't know how to apply the teachers admonition and commandment to "stop judging, and do to (and think of) others as you would have them do to (and think of) you."
This has caused you much pain. The same perception has caused me much pain in my life. Your mothers and sister and brothers are likewise affected by the humble persons sensitivity to the presumptuous judgmental dismissal of your intrinsic worth by persons with hearts hardened to one degree or another by arrogance or a "righteous over-much" view of themselves.
Pg 9 -
Please be assured that I pray to Jehovah that I never be corrupted in my tender affection for you or my objective view of your circumstances by any such unloving, unchristlike view.
I can write to you in absolute confidence that Jehovahs understanding of and love for you is completely free of the tarnished human-earthly, wrong headed and wrong hearted view of those judgmental ones that have affected you so. I feel the reality of Jehovahs love and forgiveness myself even though I have a real tendency to have that same human view that I am not worthy of Jehovahs love.
You must remember that of ourselves, we aren't "worthy" or "deserving" of gods love. What we deserve, all of us imperfect humans, is the fate of our rebellious forefather Adam - He got what he deserved. And according to strict justice, that's all we deserve. Yet "mercy triumphs over justice" because Jehovah loves us, and provided the means of transcending judgement and condemnation. Even our own!! (underlined)
Pg 10 -
I'll finish soon, my hand grows tired. (handwriting devolves again)
Sarah, please recall to your heart the truths embodied in the way of life you fondly remember. That way is not based on or dependent on ANY human. "Let God be proved true though every man a liar be"!
The prospect of enjoying and security and fellowship of perfect human fellowship is NOT (underlined) dependent on any group of humans and their divisive "realities"! Our return to perfection is dependent on the one that created it in the first place. And the truly amazing and wonderful truth is that Jehovah can SEE US as perfect human sons and daughters. How else could he have paid so high a price in the death of his son unless he values us - you - and me - as being worth that purchase!
Pg 11 -
In closing, please be assured of our love for you, Sarah. Please let your honest introspection be illuminated by the "mirror" of gods word, with its ability to "discern between the thoughts and intentions of our hearts".
Only in this way can we compensate for the deception of ourselves by our own "deceptive heart".
Most of all, please be assured of and seek to feel and connect to the love and protection offered you by Jehovah and Jesus.
I want to express my own love for you and my confidence in you.
Dad
I finally read the whole thing recently. 11 years. Jesus. Talk about daddy issues.
Anyways, the letter is getting old. And I want to write it out, so I have it available to read without ruining the paper and the handwriting that says so much about my father.
"Dear Sarah,
I was glad to get such a long letter from you. I always enjoy our phone calls, but they tend to get slightly abstract - I do miss you very much. We all feel the same. Family connections are an important part of our lives. We're a funny family in some ways. Close - but not too close. We all value our individuality and privacy also.
You asked for first reactions. I could probably fill this notebook with them. But my hand would fall off first... Your PS struck me. By saying we won't be surprised, you recognize the existing relations and connections between us. Of course I didn't know your thoughts and feelings in a specific way. I'm glad to be able to know them through your letter.
Just as you sat and observed on the bus or in the park and learned something about the strangers that passed, I have been observing you all
Pg 2 -
your life. Of course our observations are always subject to whatever we are thinking or going through ourselves. But we do get some idea of what goes on inside others by what gets through to the outside.
I know you've always struggled with how others view you, the approval or disapproval, the judgments, just and unjust.
All of us in your family have similar feelings, to one degree or another, and we all struggle at times. Sometimes my struggles have been as intense as yours. I say that, not in comparison, but in companionship. We aren't always as alone as it seems. (His handwriting changes dramatically at this point, becomes much more intense and emotional)
I'm to stay focused on the things you have said about your feelings. I can only imagine the difficult feeling of having no connection to anyone and nothing seems real...
Pg 3 -
*Monday PM*
... a few days later (a week, really). Amazing how fast time goes. I was writing the first part at a new place called Panera Bread - near Barnes - last Saturday morning. Then this family with obnoxious kids came in... so much for writing.
Then this weekend Mom, Leah, and I were exhibitors at Greeley Park art show. I had 3 finished paintings on display, Mom had 15!
Pete Giza also had his own booth. He won 4th place in the oils judging! I was going to finish this letter at the show, since I'd be sitting around with plenty of time. Only problem: (my dad is the only person I've ever know to write out a colon in a letter) 95 to 100 degrees in the shade! Wiped me out.
So another day drifts... after work now, sitting in Michael Timothys waiting for 5:30 so I can order supper. Mom and Leah are in Rockport painting, Chris is at work. I'm taking advantage and enjoying a Lagavulin *almost as old as you are!* -
Please excuse abreviated style and sloppy writing - arthritis in hands -
Pg 4 -
Back to reactions -
You mentioned loss of family ties. NO! I still love you. You're my daughter. That connection doesn't go away. A part of love is understanding, and I will always try to seek that through communication and observation. And I pray you will always accept that and I am always able to offer that.
Maybe the somewhat casual attitude we all have towards our relationships is due to a underlying confidence that those relationships are based on more than just emotional whim. A confidence not common in families today.
That's the way I feel about your place in the family. Circumstances, perceptions, emotions, patterns of thinking all change. You being our daughter never changes!
Pg 5 -
At that basic level of acceptance, I hope you can find a solid base, an enduring connection to anchor your heart through this turbulent period.
I think you have a perception of the reality of that family connection, for you fear losing it! Can you lose something not real, not substantial? You surely don't feel it's one sided, your attachment to an indifferent group of calous people, perhaps a wistful longing for acceptance and inclusion in an imagined warm, caring structure, one not supported by any depth of character within the individuals making up the pseudo-structure. (reading this run on sentence as an adult has lent itself to a much deeper understanding of my fathers relationship with his own family)
That certainly is not the case. I know you recognize and value the real, tangible, substantial nature of our family. Do we always agree? Are we an unblemished "Ozzie and Harriet" script playing vicarious stability? Of course not! But neither is that what you expect or need.
Pg 6 -
Do you expect perfection of me? Neither do I expect perfection of you.
Can you grant forgiveness for my failings as a father? Even more so do I extend acceptance to the limits of the god-given principles I must apply. My responsibility as the father is the greater. Of course, you, as an adult, and a baptized Christian, have accepted your own load of responsibility.
See how I refer to the intrinsic source of family structure? I do so because to do otherwise would be a denial of the reality I accept and embrace.
Notice, also, I can mention my failure as an imperfect human and the fundamental rightness and completeness of the family arrangement in the same paragraph. That was not planned, but it struck me as a I read over what I write.
Pg 7 - (his handwriting in this section is hyper-cerebral)
This touches on a fundamental point recurring in your letter. The apparent incongruity of imperfect people existing in a perfect structure or arrangement.
You certainly don't express yourself as an egotistical phony proclaiming your own self-righteousness! Neither do you really subscribe to the pop-psychology "I'm ok, your ok", the early 70s rationalization that sin is non-existent.
Rather, you underscore your acceptance of divine standards in your own (harsh) judgement of yourself.
Sarah, you are one of the most empathetic, understanding people I know. In the sense of putting yourself in anothers place so as to understand their thinking, feelings, and actions. You have an uncommon perception into the heart workings of others. Probably, in many cases, more than the one you examine!
Pg 8 -
It strikes me that such perception is not without cost. You see the judgmental prejudice, small, mean biased preconceptions of people that don't know how to apply the teachers admonition and commandment to "stop judging, and do to (and think of) others as you would have them do to (and think of) you."
This has caused you much pain. The same perception has caused me much pain in my life. Your mothers and sister and brothers are likewise affected by the humble persons sensitivity to the presumptuous judgmental dismissal of your intrinsic worth by persons with hearts hardened to one degree or another by arrogance or a "righteous over-much" view of themselves.
Pg 9 -
Please be assured that I pray to Jehovah that I never be corrupted in my tender affection for you or my objective view of your circumstances by any such unloving, unchristlike view.
I can write to you in absolute confidence that Jehovahs understanding of and love for you is completely free of the tarnished human-earthly, wrong headed and wrong hearted view of those judgmental ones that have affected you so. I feel the reality of Jehovahs love and forgiveness myself even though I have a real tendency to have that same human view that I am not worthy of Jehovahs love.
You must remember that of ourselves, we aren't "worthy" or "deserving" of gods love. What we deserve, all of us imperfect humans, is the fate of our rebellious forefather Adam - He got what he deserved. And according to strict justice, that's all we deserve. Yet "mercy triumphs over justice" because Jehovah loves us, and provided the means of transcending judgement and condemnation. Even our own!! (underlined)
Pg 10 -
I'll finish soon, my hand grows tired. (handwriting devolves again)
Sarah, please recall to your heart the truths embodied in the way of life you fondly remember. That way is not based on or dependent on ANY human. "Let God be proved true though every man a liar be"!
The prospect of enjoying and security and fellowship of perfect human fellowship is NOT (underlined) dependent on any group of humans and their divisive "realities"! Our return to perfection is dependent on the one that created it in the first place. And the truly amazing and wonderful truth is that Jehovah can SEE US as perfect human sons and daughters. How else could he have paid so high a price in the death of his son unless he values us - you - and me - as being worth that purchase!
Pg 11 -
In closing, please be assured of our love for you, Sarah. Please let your honest introspection be illuminated by the "mirror" of gods word, with its ability to "discern between the thoughts and intentions of our hearts".
Only in this way can we compensate for the deception of ourselves by our own "deceptive heart".
Most of all, please be assured of and seek to feel and connect to the love and protection offered you by Jehovah and Jesus.
I want to express my own love for you and my confidence in you.
Dad
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