To the men in my family

If you knew how fucking hard it was for me to have any self esteem at all? You wouldn't try so hard to cut me back down to size.
I think, I HOPE, that if you knew how hard I worked for this sense of self, you wouldn't feel so goddamn threatened by it.

Listening to you tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, listening to you call my hysterical, or haughty, or arrogant, or masculine...
That shit doesn't roll off a well oiled back. It's been internalized since I was a little, little girl.
Those voices are the ones I look for when I look for men. The words are the words I need to hear when I want to think someone loves me.

If you knew how fucked up that was, would you stop? Would you let me be strong without needing to make me feel weaker than you?
I don't have any patience for it anymore. I don't have patience for your "protectiveness" when I find a man who treats me the way you've always treated me.
I don't blame every fucked up relationship I've ever had on you. The fact that I recognize this shit, yet do it anyways, is my own damn fault. But COME ON. Stop making it so goddamn hard to walk away from feeling like shit about myself. Stop kicking the ladders I build for myself out from under me with a few well placed, old insults that still have the power to eviscerate.

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