Waking up wisdom
Those moments when you wake up in the middle of the night, with your heart racing and your mind frantically running through disaster scenarios... those are rarely pleasant moments. For me, they tend to be fueled by alcohol. If I've had even slightly too much to drink, I inevitably wake up between 2:30 and 4am, and spend a good chunk of time obsessing about everything that is wrong in my life and with me.
But sometimes it's not so bad. Sometimes your brain has a chance to work something out, to tell you something tangibly that you might not have known for a good long while. Last night was one of those moments for me. I woke up at 2:30am, light headed and unhappy, scared of myself and for myself. I hate it when I drink too much. It feels like the worst sort of weakness, like I'm giving in to the absolute worst parts of myself and I'll never be healthy again. But thinking about my own weakness led me to thinking about how I could control that weakness. And the first thing I thought of was that I wanted someone to control it for me. This led down a whole slew of interesting paths, involving my love/hate relationship with control and being told what to do.
But eventually, I came to the realization that I draw much of my moral strength from people around me. When I am surrounded by strong people, I tend to make less mistakes. When I am surrounded by weak people, I make more. I know that this comes from growing up within a religion and community that enforced this version of reality, that enforced relying on others to be your moral compass. I had thought I'd grown out of this, aggressively pursuing my own sense of right and wrong, trying to create my own strength. But maybe there is a part of me that will never out grow it. And maybe that's ok. Maybe that's why I am so very strongly drawn to the idea of community. Even though I'm alone now, deliberately, I still crave community. I crave being surrounded by people who help make me a better person.
Talking to this older woman about love last night (a post into and of itself), I thought about my own needs. I realized that it has never been difficult for me to find people who love me. But it has been nigh impossible to find people I will love. I say people, but I mean person. I mean partner, the person I want to settle into a mated yolk with.
It's hard for me to not caveat that reality with something proving my humility. I refuse to do so, because it's just truth, not a statement about how awesome I am and how picky I get to be. Shit. That's a god damn caveat. I hate enforced, warped humility.
ANYWAYS. I am looking for people who make me a better person, not just people who I make better. That's hard for me to find, not because I'm such a great person, but because I don't search for it. I am drawn to people I can help, but often refuse to accept help myself. I am proud, fearful, distant, and... basically I'm my father. And my mother. And a mixed up conglomeration of every aspect and experience of my childhood. I rarely feel connected to my past self. I rarely REMEMBER my past self. When I do, she is a distant character I feel affection for, not a tangible part of my present. I rarely make the important connections between her and me in my now. But when it comes to this stuff, when it comes to love, she is a necessary bridge to what I want in the future. And lying awake at 3 in the morning, I let my mind fall back into my memories of self as a younger person. I let myself explore my ideas around love and affection and connection and community.
Of course, since I eventually fell back asleep, I forget most of those thoughts now. But they're at least a little closer to the surface of my psyche (I love saying "my psyche". The story of Cupid and Psyche is one of my favorites, and it makes me grin to think of my psyche as My Psyche.), a little more available to my conscious thought processes. I'll mull them over and figure them out, eventually.
But sometimes it's not so bad. Sometimes your brain has a chance to work something out, to tell you something tangibly that you might not have known for a good long while. Last night was one of those moments for me. I woke up at 2:30am, light headed and unhappy, scared of myself and for myself. I hate it when I drink too much. It feels like the worst sort of weakness, like I'm giving in to the absolute worst parts of myself and I'll never be healthy again. But thinking about my own weakness led me to thinking about how I could control that weakness. And the first thing I thought of was that I wanted someone to control it for me. This led down a whole slew of interesting paths, involving my love/hate relationship with control and being told what to do.
But eventually, I came to the realization that I draw much of my moral strength from people around me. When I am surrounded by strong people, I tend to make less mistakes. When I am surrounded by weak people, I make more. I know that this comes from growing up within a religion and community that enforced this version of reality, that enforced relying on others to be your moral compass. I had thought I'd grown out of this, aggressively pursuing my own sense of right and wrong, trying to create my own strength. But maybe there is a part of me that will never out grow it. And maybe that's ok. Maybe that's why I am so very strongly drawn to the idea of community. Even though I'm alone now, deliberately, I still crave community. I crave being surrounded by people who help make me a better person.
Talking to this older woman about love last night (a post into and of itself), I thought about my own needs. I realized that it has never been difficult for me to find people who love me. But it has been nigh impossible to find people I will love. I say people, but I mean person. I mean partner, the person I want to settle into a mated yolk with.
It's hard for me to not caveat that reality with something proving my humility. I refuse to do so, because it's just truth, not a statement about how awesome I am and how picky I get to be. Shit. That's a god damn caveat. I hate enforced, warped humility.
ANYWAYS. I am looking for people who make me a better person, not just people who I make better. That's hard for me to find, not because I'm such a great person, but because I don't search for it. I am drawn to people I can help, but often refuse to accept help myself. I am proud, fearful, distant, and... basically I'm my father. And my mother. And a mixed up conglomeration of every aspect and experience of my childhood. I rarely feel connected to my past self. I rarely REMEMBER my past self. When I do, she is a distant character I feel affection for, not a tangible part of my present. I rarely make the important connections between her and me in my now. But when it comes to this stuff, when it comes to love, she is a necessary bridge to what I want in the future. And lying awake at 3 in the morning, I let my mind fall back into my memories of self as a younger person. I let myself explore my ideas around love and affection and connection and community.
Of course, since I eventually fell back asleep, I forget most of those thoughts now. But they're at least a little closer to the surface of my psyche (I love saying "my psyche". The story of Cupid and Psyche is one of my favorites, and it makes me grin to think of my psyche as My Psyche.), a little more available to my conscious thought processes. I'll mull them over and figure them out, eventually.
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