Friends
Shit. Now I have that stupid theme song stuck in my head.
I've been thinking an awful lot lately about the process of evolving friendships. I met a woman in Bozeman almost a year ago, while visiting, who I knew I wanted to be friends with. She was a friend of my brothers, she was quietly snappy, funny, self effacing, and just all around interesting. Plus, she has the energy of a bear, and I adore bear people. Over the past couple of weeks, I've finally had the opportunity to pursue a friendship with her. And, as with most of my friendships, it started off full bore. No holds barred, heavily intimate conversations, absolute fascination with each other right off the bat. Shit, our first friendship date involved the best burger I've ever had, followed by slowly walking to the Gallatin River at sunset and talking about things I wouldn't discuss with my therapist.
This woman is, at heart, a healer and a teacher. She is incredibly good at both.
She is also deeply flawed, and cracked open.
We found, in the process of seeing too much of each other over the past couple of days, that our cracks run parallel to each other. We zig and zag a little differently, but for the most part our wounds have healed into the same scars. And while that is absolutely fascinating, it is also dangerous. People who have the same wounds you do become a canvas for you to work your shit out on, all too often. "I KNOW it feels this way, but if only you could see this particular plot point in your own story, everything would be ok. For you. Of course." That gets old fast, for both parties. You have to maintain control over your empathy in friendships like this, you have to rein in your desire to relate and allow the words you could be speaking to remain unsaid.
And that's hard to do when you're in the throws of new friendship. You want to just let go, because you can with this person! How often does that happen, that you can just let go???
It's taken me well into my adult years to learn the value of forcing the letting go part to wait. The value of acknowledging the desire to immerse oneself in a new human being, and then to ignore that desire till you've built up enough of a practical foundation to hold that level of empathy without crumbling under the weight of intensity.
It's fucking difficult, I tell you what. One of the things I love most about interacting with other human beings is the quicksilver nature of connection and friendship. The instant, addictive melding of two blobs of mercury, and then the gasping separation where you stare at each other with wide eyes and sweat dampened hair after having run a marathon of words together. And then, the best part, the new level of data to analyze and consume. Lovers, friends, acquaintances... the data is there with all of them. But it's truly addictive in the ones who let you dive into each other wholeheartedly, the ones who submerge themselves in you as you fall under their surface, so you're seeing through the same eyes for moments at a time.
But, without a foundation of depth and comfort, there is no real reason to dive back in after a couple of times. The discomfort of intimacy sets in quickly, the defense mechanisms that throw up fences too late and know it, so bring out the spears and poison darts because someone is in the inner bailey and that's not ok. That discomfort, run amok, makes it almost impossible to maintain a friendship with this person you let into the deepest parts of you. You and they both are to busy analyzing why the defenses didn't work and what damage was done while they were down to really develop a lasting friendship. And THAT'S not ok.
So, long story long, I've been analyzing how to maintain a friendship with this person I've come to value very quickly. And in the process, am finding some very interesting things about my own relationship with intimacy and women, with my desire to idolize and demonize. I am stopping myself from taking any action till I can breathe comfortably and my mind isn't going a million miles an hour with questions and suggestions for true happiness. And I am finding that my desire to make this person happy is deeply tied up in my desire to make myself happy, so best concentrate on making myself happy so there's sufficient resources available to enjoy her already strong happiness.
I've been thinking an awful lot lately about the process of evolving friendships. I met a woman in Bozeman almost a year ago, while visiting, who I knew I wanted to be friends with. She was a friend of my brothers, she was quietly snappy, funny, self effacing, and just all around interesting. Plus, she has the energy of a bear, and I adore bear people. Over the past couple of weeks, I've finally had the opportunity to pursue a friendship with her. And, as with most of my friendships, it started off full bore. No holds barred, heavily intimate conversations, absolute fascination with each other right off the bat. Shit, our first friendship date involved the best burger I've ever had, followed by slowly walking to the Gallatin River at sunset and talking about things I wouldn't discuss with my therapist.
This woman is, at heart, a healer and a teacher. She is incredibly good at both.
She is also deeply flawed, and cracked open.
We found, in the process of seeing too much of each other over the past couple of days, that our cracks run parallel to each other. We zig and zag a little differently, but for the most part our wounds have healed into the same scars. And while that is absolutely fascinating, it is also dangerous. People who have the same wounds you do become a canvas for you to work your shit out on, all too often. "I KNOW it feels this way, but if only you could see this particular plot point in your own story, everything would be ok. For you. Of course." That gets old fast, for both parties. You have to maintain control over your empathy in friendships like this, you have to rein in your desire to relate and allow the words you could be speaking to remain unsaid.
And that's hard to do when you're in the throws of new friendship. You want to just let go, because you can with this person! How often does that happen, that you can just let go???
It's taken me well into my adult years to learn the value of forcing the letting go part to wait. The value of acknowledging the desire to immerse oneself in a new human being, and then to ignore that desire till you've built up enough of a practical foundation to hold that level of empathy without crumbling under the weight of intensity.
It's fucking difficult, I tell you what. One of the things I love most about interacting with other human beings is the quicksilver nature of connection and friendship. The instant, addictive melding of two blobs of mercury, and then the gasping separation where you stare at each other with wide eyes and sweat dampened hair after having run a marathon of words together. And then, the best part, the new level of data to analyze and consume. Lovers, friends, acquaintances... the data is there with all of them. But it's truly addictive in the ones who let you dive into each other wholeheartedly, the ones who submerge themselves in you as you fall under their surface, so you're seeing through the same eyes for moments at a time.
But, without a foundation of depth and comfort, there is no real reason to dive back in after a couple of times. The discomfort of intimacy sets in quickly, the defense mechanisms that throw up fences too late and know it, so bring out the spears and poison darts because someone is in the inner bailey and that's not ok. That discomfort, run amok, makes it almost impossible to maintain a friendship with this person you let into the deepest parts of you. You and they both are to busy analyzing why the defenses didn't work and what damage was done while they were down to really develop a lasting friendship. And THAT'S not ok.
So, long story long, I've been analyzing how to maintain a friendship with this person I've come to value very quickly. And in the process, am finding some very interesting things about my own relationship with intimacy and women, with my desire to idolize and demonize. I am stopping myself from taking any action till I can breathe comfortably and my mind isn't going a million miles an hour with questions and suggestions for true happiness. And I am finding that my desire to make this person happy is deeply tied up in my desire to make myself happy, so best concentrate on making myself happy so there's sufficient resources available to enjoy her already strong happiness.
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