Life has begun to feel like an increasingly important series of choices between simple and complex.
On the side of simple, music that reminds me of the past, that appeals to a stale emotional state I want to feel again. Cheap beer, country music, unsubtle jokes that make you belly laugh because you're supposed to. Conversations that revolve around home and the people who inhabit it. Habits that feel familiar, because they are old patterns with a slightly new twist. People who feel familiar, because they are old patterns with a slightly new twist. Good sex with bad people, bad conversations with good people. Looking in the mirror and sometimes liking what I see. Being kind to others.
Within the simplicity, there are complexities. But even the complexities are small, little hurricanes of interpersonal relationships, scary decisions that affect only you. Simple feels dark, somehow. It could be beautiful, and there are parts of it that are transcendent. But it feels, for the most part, frighteningly stagnant and terrifyingly catchy.
Complex has on its side music that makes my mind go blank. A clean slate, where new thoughts are allowed to form. Dark coffee, early mornings, and being alone. Thinking about the world, my place in it, the things I should be doing to make it slightly better. New people, who challenge my perception of self. Physical projects that should be simple but aren't because a genetic quirk of my personality makes them into Herculean challenges. Forgetting to look in the mirror, deliberately, which requires so much effort. Allowing myself to feel strongly, about anything real. Making the decisions that might alienate me from others, but which draw me closer to myself. Being kind to myself. Being unkind to those who do not deserve my kindness.
Basically, simplicity feels social and complexity feels lonely. I don't know exactly why. Finding people who are willing to live with the complexity shouldn't be that hard. Allowing myself to live with the complexity shouldn't be this hard.
I know it's not all actually this black and white. But it increasingly often feels like a basic choice has to be made, between slipping into simple or struggling towards complexity. I might be crafting the world that is forcing me to make those choices, but if so, it's a strong, silent part of my subconscious that is doing it.
On the side of simple, music that reminds me of the past, that appeals to a stale emotional state I want to feel again. Cheap beer, country music, unsubtle jokes that make you belly laugh because you're supposed to. Conversations that revolve around home and the people who inhabit it. Habits that feel familiar, because they are old patterns with a slightly new twist. People who feel familiar, because they are old patterns with a slightly new twist. Good sex with bad people, bad conversations with good people. Looking in the mirror and sometimes liking what I see. Being kind to others.
Within the simplicity, there are complexities. But even the complexities are small, little hurricanes of interpersonal relationships, scary decisions that affect only you. Simple feels dark, somehow. It could be beautiful, and there are parts of it that are transcendent. But it feels, for the most part, frighteningly stagnant and terrifyingly catchy.
Complex has on its side music that makes my mind go blank. A clean slate, where new thoughts are allowed to form. Dark coffee, early mornings, and being alone. Thinking about the world, my place in it, the things I should be doing to make it slightly better. New people, who challenge my perception of self. Physical projects that should be simple but aren't because a genetic quirk of my personality makes them into Herculean challenges. Forgetting to look in the mirror, deliberately, which requires so much effort. Allowing myself to feel strongly, about anything real. Making the decisions that might alienate me from others, but which draw me closer to myself. Being kind to myself. Being unkind to those who do not deserve my kindness.
Basically, simplicity feels social and complexity feels lonely. I don't know exactly why. Finding people who are willing to live with the complexity shouldn't be that hard. Allowing myself to live with the complexity shouldn't be this hard.
I know it's not all actually this black and white. But it increasingly often feels like a basic choice has to be made, between slipping into simple or struggling towards complexity. I might be crafting the world that is forcing me to make those choices, but if so, it's a strong, silent part of my subconscious that is doing it.
Comments
Post a Comment