I'm sorry I never told you.

Well, I mean, I did tell you, at first. I remember, very vividly, all those conversations about needs and rights and boundaries. They were so satisfyingly honest and open. Brutal, or so I thought, in their naked desire to let you in without hurting anyone. You, me, anyone. I remember thinking "Finally. Finally I can communicate what I really need, really want. I am strong. You are strong. This will work.".

I'm sorry I didn't keep telling you.

The first couple of times, of course, I did. I waited till it was safe, not because you're a monster but because my fear is, and I said "That hurt me.". Whatever that was, I waited, but I was comfortable saying it. "That hurt me, and this is why. Please find another way to express what you need to express. Find a way that doesn't hurt me.".

I think I got tired of expressing myself that way after not very long. I got tired of saying "That hurt me.", or "That made me uncomfortable.". It's kind of humiliating to have to say it too often. It either means I'm a hyper-sensitive lightweight, or I allow myself to be hurt without walking away. Having to say it out loud to the same person too often... it's easier to just start adjusting your own views. Less embarrassing, less difficult.
I'm sorry I got lazy about expressing myself.

The joy and the danger of changing yourself so you don't have to ask for as much to be happy is that it pushes you very firmly back inside your own head. You're so busy adjusting your expectations that you don't really have time or energy to connect to the person you're adjusting for. You're either scrambling to keep up or dragging yourself back, but you're certainly not walking together.
I'm sorry I lost you in the battlefield we both created trying to make you happy.

I'm very used to hiding who I am in order to keep others happy. It's a role I fall back into too easily. The least little push and I (un)willingly hop back into that shrouded mold. It wasn't made by you, or for you. I don't know if you benefited by it, since it would have been so much better for both of us if I didn't have a safe mold to fall back into. I'd have walked away much sooner, and while I think I would have just become another demon in your head, maybe it wouldn't be as toxic a demon. I might have still been a friend.














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