Victory gardens
I have been socializing more lately, pushing myself to be around people in different contexts. No dating yet, but flirting around the edges with it. I've been trying to push myself to write more, dive in my psyche and dredge up some interesting and informative shit for me to stare at. But I've never been very good at forcing myself to write. As with many things I try to force myself to do, I rebel instantly. With other things, I've learned to treat myself like a 3 year old, and trick myself into doing shit I don't want to do but which will make me happy. I haven't gotten that far with writing yet, mostly because I haven't prioritized it. I will, though. Soon.
I have joined a couple of different political action groups. While satisfying, I can also feel them nipping at my heels with teeth composed of need and guilt. I hate groups. I have always hated groups. Yet I still join them. And enjoy them, at first.
I am more happily engaged in physical things, holding multiple projects close to my chest till spring hits, when I will let them explode forth in an exuberant frenzy of activity. Some of the will peter out before completion, but many of them I'm too enthused about to let go. This spring is going to be fun.
My job has gotten insane. Literally. My new job title, DR Coordinator for the Americas, just expanded to included "and EU". 20 more countries for me to contact and organize DR exercises for.
When I've never run one myself.
Fuck this job.
FUCK. IT.
I've been fantasizing about getting fired again, never a good sign. I've also been fantasizing about winning a couple million bucks, another not good sign. Escapism, for me, has an all too tangible and real quality which makes it dangerous to indulge in without very good reason. Like, in an unhealthy relationship/religion and need to get the fuck out? Escapism is a great means of planning that jettisoning! But if it's caught up in a momentary fear of commitment/low self esteem whirlpool/lazyass laziness? Escapism is just a means to avoid doing the basic shit that would make me happier.
My mouth has become this weird source of connection with the world. Like, I spent 38 years hiding my smile, and basic aspects of self. When I took action and changed things, I also openly and aggressively shared those basic aspects of self I'd been hiding for so long. And now the sharing won't stop. My mouth, in being opened, won't close. People comment on how happy they are for me, for something that I was willing to share but also am kind of shocked and appalled that people remember. When I smile at them, they get a weirdly proprietary satisfaction from seeing it. I suppose this is what community is, once someone has asked you for something and you have provided it, you have a share in their success. I asked for understanding and support, and once provided and accepted, my victory became not just my own.
Huh.
I have joined a couple of different political action groups. While satisfying, I can also feel them nipping at my heels with teeth composed of need and guilt. I hate groups. I have always hated groups. Yet I still join them. And enjoy them, at first.
I am more happily engaged in physical things, holding multiple projects close to my chest till spring hits, when I will let them explode forth in an exuberant frenzy of activity. Some of the will peter out before completion, but many of them I'm too enthused about to let go. This spring is going to be fun.
My job has gotten insane. Literally. My new job title, DR Coordinator for the Americas, just expanded to included "and EU". 20 more countries for me to contact and organize DR exercises for.
When I've never run one myself.
Fuck this job.
FUCK. IT.
I've been fantasizing about getting fired again, never a good sign. I've also been fantasizing about winning a couple million bucks, another not good sign. Escapism, for me, has an all too tangible and real quality which makes it dangerous to indulge in without very good reason. Like, in an unhealthy relationship/religion and need to get the fuck out? Escapism is a great means of planning that jettisoning! But if it's caught up in a momentary fear of commitment/low self esteem whirlpool/lazyass laziness? Escapism is just a means to avoid doing the basic shit that would make me happier.
My mouth has become this weird source of connection with the world. Like, I spent 38 years hiding my smile, and basic aspects of self. When I took action and changed things, I also openly and aggressively shared those basic aspects of self I'd been hiding for so long. And now the sharing won't stop. My mouth, in being opened, won't close. People comment on how happy they are for me, for something that I was willing to share but also am kind of shocked and appalled that people remember. When I smile at them, they get a weirdly proprietary satisfaction from seeing it. I suppose this is what community is, once someone has asked you for something and you have provided it, you have a share in their success. I asked for understanding and support, and once provided and accepted, my victory became not just my own.
Huh.
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