The way I live my life is not compatible with what I want to do with my life.
I woke up thinking that this morning, at 4am. Thanks, asshole brain, for coming up with a thought worthy of pursuing at an ungodly early hour.
But really. I live my life in such a way as to minimize stress, drama, and movement. This creates a reality, and a me, that is peaceful and harmonious. Also, sedentary and heavy.
Even while traveling, I absolutely minimized the chances of me encountering any sort of drama. I did this by isolating myself deeply. Interacting with people and places on an extremely superficial level, and then walking away quickly, before hooks could be cast.
So, for as much movement as I've had in my life for the past 4 years, there's actually been very little action. Not of the kind that I need to be happy.
Which brings me to the reality that what I want to do with my life is incompatible with isolation and internal sedentary-ness.
I associate all drama with bad drama. But I want intensity. I want other peoples reality. I have cut myself off from my natural inclination to delve deeply into the drama of others, because I got so badly burnt by diving headfirst into some toxic bullshit.
I want frightening things for myself.
I want love. Love is terrifying. I was imagining someone gently running their hands through my hair this morning. I have loved that feeling in the past. But it is terrifying to contemplate. Love is terrifying because love is trust. I want trust in my life.
I want to help others. Helping others once means you keep helping others. That is scary. Like, does it ever end? Do I have any sense of balance? Will I start by trying to open my own company and end by opening a monastery in Indiana and devoting my entire existence to feeding the hungry?
Jesus. No balance.
I want challenges. I don't think I want challenges right now, because I am sick and unhealthy. I want to hunker down in this comfy chair and ignore the challenges already being offered me. But I do want challenges. I just want ones that I choose for myself. And I want to be smart about them, not run off half cocked to open an empenada food cart that I will get bored with in 7 months.
I want depth. Not just my own depth. I want complexity and genuine interactions. I want more than most people think they have to offer. So I want to be able to foster depth in others, craft a reality around myself that allows others to benefit from my comfort with intimacy. I've come close to doing this before, but it's tended to blow up in my face because I only offered it to people who I thought I deserved. I've skittered away from healthy in the past, because I did not think I deserved healthy. I was not healthy. I want a giant circle of happy, mostly healthy, interesting human beings revolving around with me. I don't need or want to be a center, but I can definitely be a positively charged particle.
I woke up thinking that this morning, at 4am. Thanks, asshole brain, for coming up with a thought worthy of pursuing at an ungodly early hour.
But really. I live my life in such a way as to minimize stress, drama, and movement. This creates a reality, and a me, that is peaceful and harmonious. Also, sedentary and heavy.
Even while traveling, I absolutely minimized the chances of me encountering any sort of drama. I did this by isolating myself deeply. Interacting with people and places on an extremely superficial level, and then walking away quickly, before hooks could be cast.
So, for as much movement as I've had in my life for the past 4 years, there's actually been very little action. Not of the kind that I need to be happy.
Which brings me to the reality that what I want to do with my life is incompatible with isolation and internal sedentary-ness.
I associate all drama with bad drama. But I want intensity. I want other peoples reality. I have cut myself off from my natural inclination to delve deeply into the drama of others, because I got so badly burnt by diving headfirst into some toxic bullshit.
I want frightening things for myself.
I want love. Love is terrifying. I was imagining someone gently running their hands through my hair this morning. I have loved that feeling in the past. But it is terrifying to contemplate. Love is terrifying because love is trust. I want trust in my life.
I want to help others. Helping others once means you keep helping others. That is scary. Like, does it ever end? Do I have any sense of balance? Will I start by trying to open my own company and end by opening a monastery in Indiana and devoting my entire existence to feeding the hungry?
Jesus. No balance.
I want challenges. I don't think I want challenges right now, because I am sick and unhealthy. I want to hunker down in this comfy chair and ignore the challenges already being offered me. But I do want challenges. I just want ones that I choose for myself. And I want to be smart about them, not run off half cocked to open an empenada food cart that I will get bored with in 7 months.
I want depth. Not just my own depth. I want complexity and genuine interactions. I want more than most people think they have to offer. So I want to be able to foster depth in others, craft a reality around myself that allows others to benefit from my comfort with intimacy. I've come close to doing this before, but it's tended to blow up in my face because I only offered it to people who I thought I deserved. I've skittered away from healthy in the past, because I did not think I deserved healthy. I was not healthy. I want a giant circle of happy, mostly healthy, interesting human beings revolving around with me. I don't need or want to be a center, but I can definitely be a positively charged particle.
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