Friendship
I've been thinking about this aspect of life a lot lately. It took me a long time to start to feel like I was capable of being a good friend to anyone again, after going through such a purge of people in my life.
Being around Bianka at Wills party the other night highlighted some things for me, helped me clarify some thoughts.
See, I realize I miss my friendships. I do. I miss the comfort and intensity of them. I miss being Biankas friend, someone she relied on, someone she turned to in a group of people. I miss the complicity of Rhianons friendship. I miss texting stupid shit that I knew she'd get, giggling about boys, talking in code.
But being around Bianka, after having not been around her for almost a year, forced to the forefront the things I don't miss. I don't miss the constant drama. I don't miss the having to be patient as she talks over everyone around her. I don't miss forcing myself to fade into the background so as not to threaten the fragile egos of these gorgeous, competent women who don't truly believe anything good about themselves. Most of all, I don't miss the constant fucking negatively. Both Bianka and Rhianon ALWAYS had something negative to say about people. Didn't matter how much they might like them right off the bat. We always had to have something to talk shit about them, some aspect of them that we could feel better than. I fell into that mindset so easily it scares me.
I LIKE people. I respect most people. I still see the negative shit we used to talk about. I know exactly what these women would say about Julie, about my brother, about Trevor. About anybody I might get close to. I see it, but it doesn't mean anything. I see the positive first and foremost, and wait for the negative to make itself known. Hopefully it never does, but if it does, I'm prepared for it. But it's not the most important part of meeting people anymore. And it still seems to be with these people I was so close to.
The tentative friendships I'm developing now feel so... adult in comparison. I freak myself out sometimes, stepping back from a conversation I'm having with a woman and realizing how OLD I sound. I'm not uncomfortable anymore, I'm not frantic inside, I'm not trying to figure out what they're really thinking, or wondering what they really see in me.
Instead, I'm focused on getting to know them. I'm enjoying what they have to say, that sense of connection I get from having something in common with people I like. Angela is a work buddy, but she makes me feel all girly and feminine. We talk about clothes and decorating, men and emotions, and I don't feel stupid while doing it. Julie is a soulmate in some ways. We're A LOT alike. We may very well be too much alike to not have some sort of fire in our friendship. But I genuinely enjoy her company, with no sense of having to tolerate the bad to get to the good. Mashinda is a little more high maintenance, but she's a genuinely caring, sweet person who's a ridiculous amount of fun to be around.
I like my adult friendships. I like the fact that I can be around these women and not feel like I'm in a highschool drama. It's uplifting and refreshing instead of just interesting. So nice.
Being around Bianka at Wills party the other night highlighted some things for me, helped me clarify some thoughts.
See, I realize I miss my friendships. I do. I miss the comfort and intensity of them. I miss being Biankas friend, someone she relied on, someone she turned to in a group of people. I miss the complicity of Rhianons friendship. I miss texting stupid shit that I knew she'd get, giggling about boys, talking in code.
But being around Bianka, after having not been around her for almost a year, forced to the forefront the things I don't miss. I don't miss the constant drama. I don't miss the having to be patient as she talks over everyone around her. I don't miss forcing myself to fade into the background so as not to threaten the fragile egos of these gorgeous, competent women who don't truly believe anything good about themselves. Most of all, I don't miss the constant fucking negatively. Both Bianka and Rhianon ALWAYS had something negative to say about people. Didn't matter how much they might like them right off the bat. We always had to have something to talk shit about them, some aspect of them that we could feel better than. I fell into that mindset so easily it scares me.
I LIKE people. I respect most people. I still see the negative shit we used to talk about. I know exactly what these women would say about Julie, about my brother, about Trevor. About anybody I might get close to. I see it, but it doesn't mean anything. I see the positive first and foremost, and wait for the negative to make itself known. Hopefully it never does, but if it does, I'm prepared for it. But it's not the most important part of meeting people anymore. And it still seems to be with these people I was so close to.
The tentative friendships I'm developing now feel so... adult in comparison. I freak myself out sometimes, stepping back from a conversation I'm having with a woman and realizing how OLD I sound. I'm not uncomfortable anymore, I'm not frantic inside, I'm not trying to figure out what they're really thinking, or wondering what they really see in me.
Instead, I'm focused on getting to know them. I'm enjoying what they have to say, that sense of connection I get from having something in common with people I like. Angela is a work buddy, but she makes me feel all girly and feminine. We talk about clothes and decorating, men and emotions, and I don't feel stupid while doing it. Julie is a soulmate in some ways. We're A LOT alike. We may very well be too much alike to not have some sort of fire in our friendship. But I genuinely enjoy her company, with no sense of having to tolerate the bad to get to the good. Mashinda is a little more high maintenance, but she's a genuinely caring, sweet person who's a ridiculous amount of fun to be around.
I like my adult friendships. I like the fact that I can be around these women and not feel like I'm in a highschool drama. It's uplifting and refreshing instead of just interesting. So nice.
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