Satin Chic

Look rich, talkin' cheap...

I'm so sick of worrying about money. The more I have of it, the worse it gets.

I was lying awake this morning, around 5:30. You know that time period, a couple hours before you're supposed to get up, when the world is a dark, lonely place and once you wake up you can't help but lie there for hours and think about just HOW dark and lonely it is? And how if you could just get back to sleep everything would be FINE?

Yeah. I was in that spot.

And I was thinking about money and responsibility. I dislike both of those things. A lot. Yet I draw them to me, deliberately or not. I stay with a job that I hate because of both of those things. I make choices that make it impossible for me to be a free agent, that keep me focused on money as a necessity so I don't let down those who rely on me. And I'm drawn to things that require more money and stability. Buying a house is a distinctly attractive option right now. I bought a car that I have to take care of, put money into. I rented a house that is expensive, though I love it dearly. I have little bits of debt that I refuse to take care of for no good reason, till suddenly they're big, ugly, inconvenient bits of debt.

As I lay in bed last night, I thought about what my dreams really are. I was listening to the rain, and trying to lull myself back to sleep imagining I was sitting under a simple wooden roof in Costa Rica, waiting for the rain to stop so I could find food. That those were the extent of my responsibilities. Shelter and food.

And then my stupid brain started categorizing exactly how hard it would probably be to find food. Would I go spear fishing? Try and live off coconuts? What it would be like to live in a third world country with a rapidly aging body and no health insurance. How quickly I'd become bored with staring at the rain from under my leaky roof and pine for comforts and people.

Needless to say, that didn't help me get back to sleep.

But it did help me start to categorize what's really important to me. First and foremost, freedom. Freedom is INCREDIBLY important to me. The ability to make my own decisions without fear of them negatively affecting other people is something I crave above almost everything else.

It's selfish. It's totally selfish, I know that. And it's funny, because I surround myself with people who need me in one way or another. I make decisions every single day of my life based on the needs of others.

And I have to stop doing that. I think I've always feared that if I truly started making decisions just for me, I'd cut every tether that holds me here, that holds me down, and drift away.

Second most important, health. I have GOT to become healthy. I am miserable not being healthy. It's not a natural state for me (I know, like it is for anyone), and it depresses the ever living fuck out of me. It also allows me to make decisions that continue to hold me down. I don't feel good, so I better drive into work. Which costs money. Which makes me feel bad. Which makes me want a beer. Which makes me feel bad. Which makes me wake up the next morning and not want to walk to the bus. Which makes me drive to work...

BLAH! It's stupid, how easy it is to fall into a depressing little hole where you see nothing but the next moment and what has to get done.

When I am healthy, I dream. When I dream, I am happy.

I think getting older makes it hard to dream. It's frightening, realizing that you haven't accomplished those grandiose goals that seemed so possible when you were 20.

I am 33, and while I think 20 year old me would look at me now in awe, I am starting to stagnate. I'm starting to become comfortable in what I've already accomplished. This isn't a good state for me to be in. I need to be working towards a viable, obvious goal. It's not likely to be a typical goal. Most of my goals involve milestones that most people have already passed by the time they're 19. But regardless of how small the goal is, I'm happiest and healthiest when I'm working towards it.

So, my goal now is to dream. To fantasize about what my life is going to be like in 5 years. To look forward to impossible things, and work towards making them happen.

Another goal is to get healthy. To eat food that makes me feel good. To get the kind of exercise that I love so much. To reconnect to the physical world around me in a way that doesn't involve other people.

Another goal is to get my motherfucking money under control. I make a ridiculous amount of money, and have little to show for it. This isn't a happy goal, I HATE the thought of it. But god damn, does it need to happen. I'll try and focus on Costa Rica. I may not be happy sitting under a wooden roof listening to the rain for forever, but giving myself the chance to find that out will be a very good thing.