Little things
It always starts with the little things. I don't know about you, but I have a problem with maintaining a veneer of normalcy. I mean, I know I'm not normal. I never will be. Not for a given definition of normal, anyways. But I try to maintain at least a token sense of being like the rest of the world. Acting like a grownup. Taking care of myself and my environment. Getting up every day and going into work, paying my bills.
It's actually ridiculously hard for me to do all those things. I don't know why, but none of them feel right. None of them feel like my kind of normal. But, they make life easier, more livable. It sucks when I let them go, because life gets stressful. It's not like I can just decide "I'm not going to act like an adult today, I've decided that's not being true to myself", and suddenly live in Candyland, climbing the peppermint ladders and sucking on the raspberry lollys. No, it's more like deciding I don't want to be an adult and suddenly falling into a crackwhores worst nightmare. Bill collectors threatening, house sticking of garbage and cat litter, body stinking of sweat, feeling constantly threatened at work... All within the space of a couple of weeks. Yes, I do gain the satisfaction of sitting on my couch more often, drinking more alcohol, and being capable of turning a blind eye to mess, but it's certainly not Candyland. And it's not worth it.
However, it's a hard pit to climb out of. And it's a gradual fall. It's not like I don't shower for weeks, but I find my hair greasy more often than not. I'll do a load of dishes, but realize two weeks later that I don't have any more clean dishes and wonder how that could be when I JUST did a load. Exact same scenario for laundry. The bills are the worst part, because I'm much more likely to spend too much money on stupid shit when I'm in not-Candyland. Which makes me almost resentful of bills. "God. Fucking phone company. I JUST paid them last month! WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME?! Fucking bloodsuckers."
Yeah. It's not the most realistic mindset to fall into. And it's a hard one to get out of.
Strangely enough, getting out of it requires very little steps. If I try and take bigs steps I promptly fall back down the ladder and wallow in the filth a little longer, secure and smug in the knowledge that I TRIED. But little steps, they work.
Yesterday, I went and got groceries. And put a load of dishes in the dishwasher. I got practical groceries, not the ones I really wanted to get, but ones that will help me make healthy food decisions. I put gas in my car, and oil (thank god for the oil. I'd known I needed to do it, kept forgetting, and was down WAY too low)
Today, I got up early, drank too much coffee, took a shower, emptied the cat litter boxes, and cleaned up all around them. Harder than it sounds, I tell you what.
All of that is harder than it sounds, when you're like me. I've always wondered why I am the way I am, why I'm so proud when I'm accomplishing those things which most adults take for granted as an everyday part of life. I grew up like this, I think. Chores were to be avoided at all costs, because there was always something more fun to be done. But where did that idea come from? My mom tried to be pretty rigid about this shit. We had a chore sheet and everything. My brothers and sisters aren't that slovenly... well, ok, that's not true. Joels house was just as trashed as mine has ever been when I saw it, but he's also got 2 preteens making a mess and an excuse.
Eh. I don't know. And I don't really care. There's so much about my childhood that I've left behind. I wish this were part of that. Slowly, and not so surely, I try to make that happen.
It's actually ridiculously hard for me to do all those things. I don't know why, but none of them feel right. None of them feel like my kind of normal. But, they make life easier, more livable. It sucks when I let them go, because life gets stressful. It's not like I can just decide "I'm not going to act like an adult today, I've decided that's not being true to myself", and suddenly live in Candyland, climbing the peppermint ladders and sucking on the raspberry lollys. No, it's more like deciding I don't want to be an adult and suddenly falling into a crackwhores worst nightmare. Bill collectors threatening, house sticking of garbage and cat litter, body stinking of sweat, feeling constantly threatened at work... All within the space of a couple of weeks. Yes, I do gain the satisfaction of sitting on my couch more often, drinking more alcohol, and being capable of turning a blind eye to mess, but it's certainly not Candyland. And it's not worth it.
However, it's a hard pit to climb out of. And it's a gradual fall. It's not like I don't shower for weeks, but I find my hair greasy more often than not. I'll do a load of dishes, but realize two weeks later that I don't have any more clean dishes and wonder how that could be when I JUST did a load. Exact same scenario for laundry. The bills are the worst part, because I'm much more likely to spend too much money on stupid shit when I'm in not-Candyland. Which makes me almost resentful of bills. "God. Fucking phone company. I JUST paid them last month! WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME?! Fucking bloodsuckers."
Yeah. It's not the most realistic mindset to fall into. And it's a hard one to get out of.
Strangely enough, getting out of it requires very little steps. If I try and take bigs steps I promptly fall back down the ladder and wallow in the filth a little longer, secure and smug in the knowledge that I TRIED. But little steps, they work.
Yesterday, I went and got groceries. And put a load of dishes in the dishwasher. I got practical groceries, not the ones I really wanted to get, but ones that will help me make healthy food decisions. I put gas in my car, and oil (thank god for the oil. I'd known I needed to do it, kept forgetting, and was down WAY too low)
Today, I got up early, drank too much coffee, took a shower, emptied the cat litter boxes, and cleaned up all around them. Harder than it sounds, I tell you what.
All of that is harder than it sounds, when you're like me. I've always wondered why I am the way I am, why I'm so proud when I'm accomplishing those things which most adults take for granted as an everyday part of life. I grew up like this, I think. Chores were to be avoided at all costs, because there was always something more fun to be done. But where did that idea come from? My mom tried to be pretty rigid about this shit. We had a chore sheet and everything. My brothers and sisters aren't that slovenly... well, ok, that's not true. Joels house was just as trashed as mine has ever been when I saw it, but he's also got 2 preteens making a mess and an excuse.
Eh. I don't know. And I don't really care. There's so much about my childhood that I've left behind. I wish this were part of that. Slowly, and not so surely, I try to make that happen.
And that's why I have 3 different bank accounts and autopay. Thank you autopay for keeping my phone on.
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