The moment my faith started to collapse
I found an old journal today, in the midst of going through boxes and boxes (and boxes) of books.
It's from about 15 years ago. I was 18, 19yrs old, and I had just come back from a train trip across the country with my sister. I have a few entries in there from the trip itself, not many, but enough to remember how overwhelmed I was with the newness of it all.
Most of the entries, though, are from me sitting in Barnes and Nobles, reading science books and taking notes, all towards the purpose of refuting facts that went against my religious beliefs. Seriously. I have entire journals worth of quotes, with me refuting them.
One book in particular apparently got me really riled up. I actually remember this moment. It was late afternoon, and I was sitting in the cafe, reading and drinking coffee. The book is called "Evolution and the Myth of Creationism - A basic guide to the facts in the evolution debate." by Tim M Berra.
There are about three pages worth of quotes from this book, with little notes from me after each one. And then this:
"Tim here tries to use the example of the peppered moth in Industrial England to show the evolutionary process. However, all he does, granted in very eloquent and impassioned terms, is show how birds aren't blind. Just because the ratio of dark to light moths changes with the loss of lichen does not mean that the moths evolved. It simply means that less of the dark moths died and therefore became dominantly noticeable. To trumpet this about as proof of evolution is stretching common sense to ridiculous lengths. Application of Occams Razor demands the simplest explanation. And evolution is anything but simple. I can't even finish this book. It is pretentious in the extreme, murky and convoluted. He tries to use big words to validate arguments that have no foundation in fact (editors note: oh, young Sarah. Relate much?). He has built a tottery skyscraper that will collapse under a breath of truth. I find it sad that a generation of impressionable minds could be exposed to such lunatic posturing in the course of their search for truth."
YEAH! Take THAT, stupid scientist! Man, I remember writing those words. I remember how passionately I felt them, how self righteous I was. In reading back, of course, it's kind of depressing to see my failure to grasp some basic fundamental aspects of science. But still, I was starting to truly learn. It was at this very moment that I started to totter. I read so much at this point in my life. I would pull 3 or 4 books at a time from the science section, sit down at a table, pull my trusty notebook and pen, and sit there for HOURS, drinking coffee, reading, and taking notes.
I justified it to myself by saying I was doing research to shore up my argumentative skills, so that when I was out in service and encountered a scientific skeptic, I could convince them of the error of their ways.
When I started to think otherwise, when I started to question my own motives and beliefs, I got REALLY nervous. So instead, I just read. And read, and read, and read.
I kind of miss those days. They felt so purposeful, so guided and necessary.
I love young me, that little skeptic in hiding. Without her courage, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be free of all that fear, all that anger.
It's from about 15 years ago. I was 18, 19yrs old, and I had just come back from a train trip across the country with my sister. I have a few entries in there from the trip itself, not many, but enough to remember how overwhelmed I was with the newness of it all.
Most of the entries, though, are from me sitting in Barnes and Nobles, reading science books and taking notes, all towards the purpose of refuting facts that went against my religious beliefs. Seriously. I have entire journals worth of quotes, with me refuting them.
One book in particular apparently got me really riled up. I actually remember this moment. It was late afternoon, and I was sitting in the cafe, reading and drinking coffee. The book is called "Evolution and the Myth of Creationism - A basic guide to the facts in the evolution debate." by Tim M Berra.
There are about three pages worth of quotes from this book, with little notes from me after each one. And then this:
"Tim here tries to use the example of the peppered moth in Industrial England to show the evolutionary process. However, all he does, granted in very eloquent and impassioned terms, is show how birds aren't blind. Just because the ratio of dark to light moths changes with the loss of lichen does not mean that the moths evolved. It simply means that less of the dark moths died and therefore became dominantly noticeable. To trumpet this about as proof of evolution is stretching common sense to ridiculous lengths. Application of Occams Razor demands the simplest explanation. And evolution is anything but simple. I can't even finish this book. It is pretentious in the extreme, murky and convoluted. He tries to use big words to validate arguments that have no foundation in fact (editors note: oh, young Sarah. Relate much?). He has built a tottery skyscraper that will collapse under a breath of truth. I find it sad that a generation of impressionable minds could be exposed to such lunatic posturing in the course of their search for truth."
YEAH! Take THAT, stupid scientist! Man, I remember writing those words. I remember how passionately I felt them, how self righteous I was. In reading back, of course, it's kind of depressing to see my failure to grasp some basic fundamental aspects of science. But still, I was starting to truly learn. It was at this very moment that I started to totter. I read so much at this point in my life. I would pull 3 or 4 books at a time from the science section, sit down at a table, pull my trusty notebook and pen, and sit there for HOURS, drinking coffee, reading, and taking notes.
I justified it to myself by saying I was doing research to shore up my argumentative skills, so that when I was out in service and encountered a scientific skeptic, I could convince them of the error of their ways.
When I started to think otherwise, when I started to question my own motives and beliefs, I got REALLY nervous. So instead, I just read. And read, and read, and read.
I kind of miss those days. They felt so purposeful, so guided and necessary.
I love young me, that little skeptic in hiding. Without her courage, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be free of all that fear, all that anger.
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