Random Acts of Awesome

God, I love fall. This is, and always has been... (shout out to Spock!!), my favorite time of year. Bar none.  The sunlight starts to fade gracefully from yellow to white, slowly finding itself leached of life giving color, a gentle reminder that everything dies. The leaves on the trees bloom with that last burst of energy and intensity before the end, the grass gets so green it hurts to look at it, and the air takes on that smell of brown sugar and cinnamon. That smell that reminds me of childhood, of maple syrup, scarlet maple leaves, air with a hint of crisp chill and sunshine with a frantic heat, and that bone deep knowledge of death.  It sounds morbid, huh? Not to me, it's not. Death and rebirth. There's a reason the fall and spring equinoxes have been associated with such sensual celebrations. It's a sensual time of year. 

Where are you now?  It's been a long time since I've wrestled with the conflicting needs of my spirituality and physicality. It's been a long time since I've even thought about it, or questioned my lack of belief.  And I don't miss it.  I don't need it. I love beauty, almost worship it. I see it in everything, and within beauty there is depth. With that depth I build my reality, and it's a lovely, strange sort of reality. Every now and then I see the ragged edges where my reality doesn't quite mesh with the rest of the world. And every now and then I realize that my edges need some smoothing, and I'll try and adjust them a bit, make them a tad more lined up with others reality.  And then sometimes I see others reality starting to creep up on my edges, and I light a match and I cauterize that particular edge. I burn my candles and herbs in my cauldron, I stare into the flames, I think real hard about what I want to have happen, my face flushes and my ...

The contrast between dominance and submission, between aggression and passivity, has been on my mind a lot of lately. I don't know that I've ever truly been comfortable in the role of being a switch, somebody who can be crawling towards you in desperate need one moment and throwing you on your back in overt aggression the next. It's who I am, I accept that, but I don't know that I'm comfortable in that skin.  And I want to be. I want those two sides of me to be balanced. That's a difficult task to accomplish when I'm caught up more in one role than another. I've been sleeping (heh... sleeping) with someone who is quite dominant. This has allowed me to explore my submissive side (and helped me discover a love of handcuffs) to an extent I've never been able to before. It's fascinating, fun, and deliciously scary. It's also leading to an imbalance in the force.  I recently had an opportunity to explore facets of my sexuality with someone who was...