Oh God...

Where are you now? 

It's been a long time since I've wrestled with the conflicting needs of my spirituality and physicality. It's been a long time since I've even thought about it, or questioned my lack of belief. 

And I don't miss it. 

I don't need it. I love beauty, almost worship it. I see it in everything, and within beauty there is depth. With that depth I build my reality, and it's a lovely, strange sort of reality. Every now and then I see the ragged edges where my reality doesn't quite mesh with the rest of the world. And every now and then I realize that my edges need some smoothing, and I'll try and adjust them a bit, make them a tad more lined up with others reality. 

And then sometimes I see others reality starting to creep up on my edges, and I light a match and I cauterize that particular edge. I burn my candles and herbs in my cauldron, I stare into the flames, I think real hard about what I want to have happen, my face flushes and my fingers tingle with power and purpose, and I draw a little further away from a reality I'm not interested in. 

I am content with recognizing the physical, raw, sensual beauty of the world around me. I don't particularly want or need to dig desperately at that lovely surface, looking for something more when there is everything I need to live a true and meaningful life staring at me already. 

I suppose that makes me shallow. That's ok. I've always liked playing in puddles. Taking a pine branch and trailing it along the surface of a fresh puddle of rain water, watching the rainbows spread across the skin like surface... you can't do that with a lake, or even a pond, and especially not a stream. You know why not? Because there's too much fucking complexity roiling beneath the surface, no matter how serene it seems. External complexity that you have no control over, and which detracts from ones ability to to manipulate reality. Fuck that shit. So I eschew depth. I avoid stagnation through constant change that I control, and I enjoy my little puddle full of beauty. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 16, 2010 at 1:37 AM

    So as I hear it, women don't want to be put on a pedestal. But you are pretty frickin awesome.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I fall

I wrote this awhile ago. I should have had it on here before, but I keep forgetting about it. Today reminded me :D.  I can almost feel you pulsing inside me Your rough hands grasping my ass Your breath hot and panting against my neck As my hands frantically pull and scratch at the wall in front of me And moans fall from my lips in time with your thrusts I look down, and I see the yawning chasm that your cock is pounding me towards Inch by slow, heavy inch, I slide closer My mouth opens on a silent scream And I give up, I let go I fall I soar for a moment But you ride my body to the bottom, biting my shoulder and bruising my hips in a desperate attempt to not let go We crash together with a jarring thud Gasping for breath and boneless You roll away, and I lie there Shuddering, my skin rippling with the aftershock
Read more

Babel

I've been thinking a lot about the story of the Tower of Babel lately. What got me started down that train of thought was wishing that I knew Spanish. That somehow I could just magically, based on the 2 years worth of primary school classes I had, remember everything, and put it together into a coherent whole without having to relearn the language. Not knowing a language that is being spoken around you feels deeply alienating. My brain would search for patterns and meaning, finding small clues here and there, but on the whole I was completely in the dark. With time, effort, and immersion, I'd be fine. But right off the bat? The alienation led to a sense of constant unease, a deep knowledge that I would be unable to express my needs if I had to. I found it very reassuring that most of the people around me knew English very well, and were happy to communicate with me using it. THAT got me to thinking about the power of language, the power dynamics behind being able to expect
Read more

Needs, Wants, Desires

What do I need? I need to be happy. I need to be fulfilled. I need to have a sense of purpose. I need to feel safe. I need to be independent. With that last one, I wonder. Do I need to be independent? Or do I want? I don't know. So, what do I want? I want to be rich. I want to be happy. I want to do something good with my life. Wow. Wanting to be rich, brain? Really? When you just spent a couple hours worth of thought cycles thinking about how unhealthy your relationship with money is? But rich means safety, and independence. I do not want to do what I do for a living. It is not who I am. But it is money. It is safety, and it is independence. The money I make keeps me comfortable, but not happy. If I had more money, would I be both comfortable and happy? Not from the money alone, but from what the money allowed me to do, maybe. But I know myself. If I am not doing what I want and need to be doing now, money won't make a difference. It won't give me more d
Read more