Oh God...

Where are you now? 

It's been a long time since I've wrestled with the conflicting needs of my spirituality and physicality. It's been a long time since I've even thought about it, or questioned my lack of belief. 

And I don't miss it. 

I don't need it. I love beauty, almost worship it. I see it in everything, and within beauty there is depth. With that depth I build my reality, and it's a lovely, strange sort of reality. Every now and then I see the ragged edges where my reality doesn't quite mesh with the rest of the world. And every now and then I realize that my edges need some smoothing, and I'll try and adjust them a bit, make them a tad more lined up with others reality. 

And then sometimes I see others reality starting to creep up on my edges, and I light a match and I cauterize that particular edge. I burn my candles and herbs in my cauldron, I stare into the flames, I think real hard about what I want to have happen, my face flushes and my fingers tingle with power and purpose, and I draw a little further away from a reality I'm not interested in. 

I am content with recognizing the physical, raw, sensual beauty of the world around me. I don't particularly want or need to dig desperately at that lovely surface, looking for something more when there is everything I need to live a true and meaningful life staring at me already. 

I suppose that makes me shallow. That's ok. I've always liked playing in puddles. Taking a pine branch and trailing it along the surface of a fresh puddle of rain water, watching the rainbows spread across the skin like surface... you can't do that with a lake, or even a pond, and especially not a stream. You know why not? Because there's too much fucking complexity roiling beneath the surface, no matter how serene it seems. External complexity that you have no control over, and which detracts from ones ability to to manipulate reality. Fuck that shit. So I eschew depth. I avoid stagnation through constant change that I control, and I enjoy my little puddle full of beauty. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 16, 2010 at 1:37 AM

    So as I hear it, women don't want to be put on a pedestal. But you are pretty frickin awesome.

    ReplyDelete

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