Lonliness

It's days like today that I realize how much I truly miss my family. I'm making an apple pie with apples that grew in my yard, I cleaned my house so that it smells fresh and sweet, I've got candles burning on my counter, and food in my fridge. And I realize that I'm making a home. I'm always making a home. But who am I making a home for? Myself? The men who live in my house? My friends? I don't know. But it doesn't feel like enough. Because what I come from is so much more than that. It may never feel like enough, because I have no intention of living a traditional life.

And with that thought comes a measure of peace. I do like who I am. I like my life, and the freedom and beauty it provides me. These candles on my counter are an altar, where I stare into the flames and try to create a world inside their depths that's full of sweetness, health, and happiness for me and everyone around me. I watch them flicker with my breath, I breath their heat into my lungs, and that reality coalesces around me, a little more solid.

It's just hard sometimes. I wish I didn't have to give up so much to gain so much. I want what I had as well as what I have. I want that knowledge of unconditional love, even if it was never real.

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