On threesomes and the like

I had a friend recently tell me that I should start handing out performance forms to people I've been with. I think that, if done well and kindly, this might be fun. Problem is, I rarely want to rate the people who I'm feeling kindly towards. I mean, fun is fun. True, there's more exceptional levels of fun that stand out in my mind. But if I had a good time and came away from an experience smiling and feeling good about the world, then it was a pretty damn good time. And experiences where I DON'T feel that way are few and far between.

Because sex is FUN. Or it should be.

Which brings me to this past weekend. I've been aggressively pursuing dating more. And by aggressively pursuing dating I mean actually answering emails that people send me on OkCupid and the like, or putting up an add on Craigslist. Because I like that little safety buffer of the internet, the net that lets me trawl for goodies while throwing away the psychos. And because those mediums are heavily geared in a womans favor. I could go out to a bar and pick up a guy if I really put the effort into it. I've done it before, and it turned out ok. But that's not my style. I rarely actually flirt when I'm out, probably because I've had it drilled into my head that it's dangerous. Fuck, it is dangerous. The types of guys that pursue me at bars are fucking creepy. The last date I had from that sort of experience the guy would have raped me if he thought he could have gotten away from it. But that's another story, and I'm on a tangent.

Threesomes. I answered an ad on craigslist. It was a cute ad, very clever and witty, no pictures (this is, strangely enough, a very good thing), perfect grammar, and seemed very laid back. I shot them an email, and they got back to me pretty much right away. We chatted for a bit in emails, I sent them recent pictures of myself, we exchanged phone numbers, and within 2 days we'd setup a time to meet that weekend. I like people who don't beat around the bush. :D

I was a little leery, because I'd never met these people before, and they didn't really want to meet up at a bar first. This kind of goes against my dating code. BUT, it doesn't necessarily go against my I just want to get fucked code. Which is weird, but whatever. It's worked for me so far. So, I said why not. I went out there Saturday night, around 8:30ish. It was a long ass bus ride to their house, so I got there around 9. I admit to being a little nervous as I knocked on the door, and I also admit to hiding an assassins knife in my cleavage (srsly. This thing is sleak, black, sharp, and the sheath fits perfectly along the side of my tits. Very handy in these sorts of situations...).

The lady of the house answers the door, and facially she's exactly like the pictures she sent me. She's about 50lbs heavier than those pics, but that doesn't really bother me. I love curvy women, and she was very, very curvy. She was a little nervous, but so was I. She led me into the house, introduced me to the family dog, and got me a glass of water. We sat down and chatted for a bit, and it felt like I was meeting for a knitting club or something. NO chemistry. She was like every Boston relative I have; sharp, angry, astringent, judgmental, and insecure. Unlike my Boston relatives, she unfortunately didn't have the wit to back her shit up. But, she was cute, and we could talk easily. That's a good sign. Then her husband came downstairs.

Dude was big.

Like, MMA champion gone a bit to seed BIG. Burly, with a barrel belly, tall, hairy chest, bald, ham hock calves... Kinda' hot. I'm digging that look lately. And he seems really nice. He enters the conversation equation, and suddenly we all have chemistry. See, this is one of the fascinating things about threesomes. They multiply the number of variables available to you exponentially. Lackluster chemistry between two becomes hot chemistry between three.

But we're still not going anywhere sexual, not really, despite the fact that they're telling stories about all the public sex in clubs and the different threesomes they've had. And we only have a couple hours together. So, the wife gets impatient and says "Why don't we all go upstairs". We go up to their room, she slips off her robe, leaving her in just her panties, and climbs onto the bed. All in the most matter of fact, completely un-sensual manner possible. And proceeds to tell her husband to get naked. Which he does, very uncomfortably. And then he slips onto the bed as softly and quietly as a very big man can, and they both sit there, staring at me.

I hate to say it, but at this point I had NO desire to put on a show for them. I don't think it would have done any good, and if they were gonna be matter of fact, then by god so was I. I climb onto the bed fully clothed, and kneel in front of both of them, not very close. I'm not even sure I want to do this anymore. But, eventually, backrubs occur (the most failsafe seduction tool I have in my arsenal, and it almost didn't work for these people), I get comfortable, then more comfortable, and we get down to business. But it's bad. It's awkward, it's her staring, it's him thinking he's a lot better with his tongue than he is, it's her convincing him that he's just the hottest thing since head cheese while I lay there thinking "This guy would be a lot better off if she quit lying to him" and then feeling like a hypocrite because there was no way in hell I was gonna say anything. I did finally take over for myself, because I was rather frustrated and wanted to come, and that wasn't gonna happen any other way.

And this woman, who proclaimed to be SOOOO bisexual, did not want anybody to do anything to her. That drives me nuts. A lot of women do that, and it's ridiculous. Don't fucking call yourself bi if you don't want to share some sort of sexual experience with a woman. Now, that's not to say you have to be bisexual to have a threesome. It's perfectly possible not to engage sexually with the other person and for everybody to still enjoy themselves. But her ad was all about her, and I went in there with those expectations.

Instead, I got used as a sex toy to get her husband off while she relaxed and did nothing. A boring sex toy who got to enjoy about 5 minutes of unsustained missionary, a break where he caught his breath and lost his hard on, and then another three minutes of missionary before he pulled out (WITH A CONDOM ON) and came. And you know what the worst part was? She bitched the whole time. About her life. Just shit in general. At one point I reached up, grabbed the back of her head, and kissed her hard just to shut her the fuck up. I'm pretty sure that's about when her husband came. After which she cooed all over him, telling him what a big man he was.

I can only assume she now gets a break from wifely duties for an extended period of time as payment.

I left about 15 minutes later, walking along 82nd, which is the creepiest street in town, for a good half mile just so I wouldn't have to be around these people any more.

And I had just the most depressing bus ride home. I was so sad and disillusioned. I mean, come on. It's a fucking THREESOME. It's sexual fantasy come to fruition, it's opportunity for satyrnalian debauchery, for so much FUN. And it kind of felt like going to the DMV. Yes, the mother fucking D.M.V.

Trite, and boring, and something you do because you have to and which you endure because you have no choice.

Now, I, of course, had a choice. I could have just left. It would have been rude and awkward, but I could have done it and then I wouldn't have had so much to bitch about. But I kept expecting it to get better, to change. I've had a threesome before, and it was a lot of fun. Emotionally traumatic and terrifying, but at least fun. I woke up the next morning in that hotel room with those people, and I had a big old grin on my face that I kept for the next 3 days. Because I felt fuller, larger, more experienced, more capable, and just plain ol' satisfied. This one, I had a hard time keeping back the tears on the bus. Not because I felt cheap or used. Regardless of feeling like I was being used as a sex toy, it was still my choice, something I could easily have changed. Nobody "used" me. But it was an awful let down. Something that could have been so lovely, turned into something so tawdry and trite. Sad. And it made me question everybody and everything around me. Is boring, empty sex so common???