Blech

I'm sitting in a beer bar all alone, enjoying a nice brew, listening to Daft Punk, and ignoring the relatively nice seeming crowd around me. I should be happy. This is my scene, after all. Instead, I'm cranky as fuck. I feel like a teenager, angsty, antsy and agro. JUST SO CRANKY!!! Part of this stems from a lack of consistent sex. A larger part of it stems from a constant exposure to my ex. I love my ex. He's such a good guy. BUT OH MY HOLY FUCKING HELL, HE CAN BE A FLAMING DOUCHEBAG. He's still an invalid, and he's a bad patient. Whiney, bitchy, cranky, selfish, and full of self hate. Awesome. And I have no shields against it. You know how, when you're a kid, and you see your parents fighting, and you think "Jesus, people. If you'd just step back from your stupid egos you'd realize this is not nearly as big a deal as you're making it out to be."? And then, as you become an adult and you get involved with someone, and there's that moment of realization... "Oh my god. We're my parents."
Well, I broke up with Jake based on that realization. Because there's no fucking way in hell I'm going to waste another moment of my romantic life caught up in the traps I learned to create for myself as a child. No thank you. My parents are adorable, still married, and more in love than ever. But they spent my childhood miserably angry at each other, enacting staged battles and quoting from scripts that had been written for them by their own parents. Fuck that bull shit.
I'm not even sure I believe in marriage, but if I do ever get married, it will not be just to enact a predetermined, almost instinctive dance choreographed by others.

On to why I'm cranky... Jake and I fall right back into the bullshit roles that caused us to break up the second we spend too much time in each others company. He becomes needy, passive aggressive, and immature. And I become bitchy, parental, and aggressive. He's been at my house for 2 weeks now, and we're starting to drive each other a little insane. He needs to go home, soon. And I need to grow a pair and stop treating him like a child who needs me to take care of him.

Thank you, parental units, for completely warping our sense of how to treat the opposite sex. Thank you very much.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fucking Monsanto... FUCKING HUMANS!!

Is it terrible that my reaction to this article is an eye roll and a "No f'ing shit, Sherlock"? Good lord. Especially this part: But farmers sprayed so much Roundup that weeds quickly evolved to survive it. “What we’re talking about here is Darwinian evolution in fast-forward,” Mike Owen, a weed scientist at Iowa State University, said. There's a strain of extremely hardy coca plant growing all over Latin America right now that is almost completely resistant to any sort of herbicide except the most toxic. It's a strain that created itself in under 10 years, which is an insanely short period of time for a plant to evolve. Why did it do so? Because of the "War on Drugs". We sprayed so much Roundup throughout it's natural habitat that the evolution of the plant was spurred into high speed. We created a plant that we don't have the resources to destroy in an effort to look like we were doing something decisive. Fucking brilliant. Now the same thing i
Read more

Ah, sexual dysfunction, my old friend...

I have a feeling I'm going to be appalled at myself after I write this out, but right now I haven't been able to stop an evil, smug little smile from creeping onto my face all afternoon. So, last night, this guy B came over. I've been seeing him off and on for about 4 months now. He's got some quirks that I find annoying, but for the most part our sexual chemistry more than makes up for that. One of the most annoying quirks is his tendency to bite. Hard. I've had bruises with perfect teeth shaped imprints from him. Now, I don't actually mind biting, for the most part. I like the contrast of sensation, between arousal and pain. And this guy knows that, and has taken too free license with it in the past. I've talked to him about it, and told him to go easier, to not bite so hard. And he listened, for the most part.  But last night, he bit me really, really hard just after I'd had a REALLY intense orgasm. And that level of pain transfered all that intense f
Read more
It's so much easier to feel beautiful when you're alone. I wonder about that, sometimes. Of all the beautiful sex I've had, the best has been alone. Not the best orgasms, of course. The orgasms I give myself always feel a little flat. I can't feed on my own need, my own fulfillment. I only feel content, full, after I've lost myself in a lovers fruition. But beautiful... that only seems to happen in my own eyes. When I'm alone, I see the spill of my own hair across a pillow as I turn my face to the side, and it's art. I feel my own skin, silk. I pull my breasts out of confines of my bra, and the expanse of flesh doesn't feel ample, it feels right. Their size doesn't matter to me, only what they make me feel, and every inch of surface is waiting for my fingertips and nails. My hard little nipples aren't too big or too small. They're simply perfect points of sensation. I can touch them soft or rough, it doesn't matter. I do only what I wan
Read more